Stamped: June 8th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, birthdays suck, fan mail, friends and losers, lists.

It's the one year anniversary of Girlspoke! Yes, yes, we're very exciting. We love to celebrate, and really, who better to celebrate than yourself?

First of all, you guys might not be getting a rant today but consider yourselves on my shit list because the only presents I got in the mail for our girlspoke birthday were a dirty pair of tighty whiteys and a bottle of gin (that was actually kind of thoughtful). Fuckers.

So when Meme asked me to write some sort of a birthday post for girlspoke my first thought was, “Bitch! I already wrote my rant ahead of time and now I have to break my date with the hot German”. My second thought was “aaaahhhhh the pressure!” - I mean, who am I to write this post? I’m still a Girlspoke baby for the most part. I mean, sure I am the hottest, but that’s not entirely relevant is it? Then I thought just because something is my favorite doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a “Best of”. Then I started laughing at the sheer lunacy of that statement, of course what I like is best.
Clearly I’ve been smoking too much of Betty’s self-deprecation crack lately. Enough of that nonsense.

So here you go, these are my favorites, lined up in no discernable chronological, alphabetical or logical order, I’m way too goddamn lazy for that shit.

- “It’s a Phallic Phallic World” – This is one of my faves, mostly I'm just fascinated by the subject matter but I also greatly enjoy picking out seemingly innocuous objects, pointing and saying "Holy SHIT, Phallic much?". As an added bonus it provides some really great wallpaper for your computer! Here’s the best one:

– click for more: "Penii"

Best Reason to Shoot Cupid in the Face with His Own Goddamn Arrow

-Casey gives us a wonderful pictorial demonstration of why exactly Valentine's Day should be forever banished from the earth and how you can make it all go away with enough Nyquil. Go read Casey's Post Valentine's Day Wrap-Up

Best Argument for Moving to Alaska

- If you're a girl and you've ever tried on a bathing suit you'll relate, and if you're a boy and you can at least fantasize about women putting them on. Either way read about how Jenna survives the glare of fluorescent lighting and synthetic horror. Best instant re-play:

3:48: Jenna's karma slaps her and she winces noticeably at the sight of a 40-something woman looking at suits that are about 2 sizes smaller than her.

3:48:27: Jenna reminds herself that she is the kind of girl that said woman's husband would commit adultery for.

Best "So You Think You're a Tough Guy?" Moment

-Betty gets down to business with her waxer and shows us what it means to be a real woman. I still maintain that guys are generally the biggest pussies around, introduce a little hot wax to his scrotum and then who's a whiny bitch? For all this talk about girls being "needy" and "emotional" and all that bullshit, all I have to say is that at least we can sack up and take a little pain. Just sayin'

Best Stab at Unabashed Self-Promotion

- Here is probably the best example of pure unbridled anger on my part. There's no one I like skewering more than an uppity male. Further, I'm such a narcissistic bitch that sometimes I can be found in my underwear, eating gummy bears and giggling mercilessly at my own comedic brilliance.

Best Translation of the Elusive and Dynamic Language known as "Female"

- Because men are exceedingly slow to pick up on even the most obvious signs and sounds that females call "communication" sometimes it's necessary for Jenna to step up to the plate. Not only a mystic she's also a translator and telepathic guru. You may worship accordingly. In the meantime this shit made me laugh my tight little ass off, so revisit the land of many languages, bitches….

Okay, Lo's tired. Ya'll lazy motherfuckers can visit the archives yourselves and leave me to my glass (bottle) of pinot. Now, since you didn't send a present your duty is clear. When you comment to wish us a happy birthday leave the name/author of your favorite post. I have an inkling I'm not the only narcissist in the heart shaped bed and besides it's our birthday and our egos need to be stroked.

Now, I could say something like "You made this all possible!" and "We couldn't do it without you!" but that's not really true now is it?

However, it definitely wouldn't be as much fun. So, thanks for clicking and clicking and clicking…for like a year. We love ya!

Last 5 posts by Lo

• Hello, God? It's me, Fashion Mullet. - March 30th, 2007
• To Slut or Not to Slut, That is the Question... - October 26th, 2006
• Sidle on Up to the Booty Bar - October 20th, 2006
• Slacker Central - October 12th, 2006
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