America, my special man.
Stamped: July 4th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: holiday hijinks.
America, if you were my man, I would make sweet love to you all through the night.
America, if you were my man, I would shower you in diamonds because you are my special guy.
America, if you were my man, I would make you a candlelit dinner just because.
America, if you were my man, I would abort your baby if you weren't ready to be a daddy yet.
America, if you were my man, I would always pay special mind to your perenium.
America, if you were my man, and I went to Chipotle and got the tacos, and I had already eaten two of my tacos, and had one left, and didn't know you wanted it and anticipated having one more delicious taco before I was done, but you did want it, and I knew that you wanted it, I would give you that taco, no problem.
America, if you were my man, I would let you squeeze the toothpaste tube however you wanted.
America, if you were my man, I would let you berate me if it made you feel better even if it impacted my self-image so negatively that I developed an eating disorder so severe that I started having liver problems due to the malnourishment I suffered.
And lastly, but not leastly, America, if you were my man, I'd swallow, even if it was bloody and syphillitic.
Why? Because America, I love you. You are the land of the free and the brave, and that's what I think when I look at you in the morning, knowing how the foreigners hate me for all of my freedom. Stupid foreigners and their non-American countries. America, in my eyes baby, there's only you. Please be my boyfriend. I am so lonely.
Bonus! Enjoy this fireworks maze.
Last 5 posts by Heather
- On Sexyness - January 24th, 2007
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i think i wanna nominate this as the BEST post of the day
It makes me wish I was America.
You had me until “bloody and syphillitic.”
Stupid foreigners and their non-American countries.
Heather! I am deeply offended! I shall now go back to my straw hut, play with my mustache for an hour and go to work tomorrow morning a very sad man. I mean, if the people we help with their computer problems via phone speaking in heavily accented english doesn’t appreciate us, who will?
Well FWIW, Belated happy Independence day to you imperialists
If I was America and wanted you to have an abortion, I would loan you Florida to perform it with.