Who’s Hot, Who’s Not?
Stamped: July 17th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: all things hot, friends and losers.
"Oh yeah, he's definitely hot," Meme said.
"What?! Patrick Dempsey? How can you think that? He's…he's…wait, what about you, Jenna? Do you think he's hot?" exclaimed her male friend of the moment.
"Fuck yeah."
You see, (we'll call him Brian) Brian couldn't believe we were in agreement over the hotness of Patrick Dempsey. In fact, he was downright bewildered. I still don't think he quite understands how us girls rate the men we see. Sometimes, I'll admit, our affinity for some boys comes somewhat out of left field. So, for Brian, and for the rest of you boys out there, I reveal to you the process of categorization for men. All men. Really, it's simple. I promise.
These guys are the types that have it all. They have the manly facial features, striking eyes, a firm, toned body (but not too bulging), and—most importantly—that smile that gets you randy within moments. Their personality also plays a role, but not always. In fact, knowing too much about a fucking hot guy will likely kick him down a notch or two; there's too much potential for revealing an awkward mommy complex or something. Most of these men could be perfect strangers. As long as they possess the above factors for hotness, they'll score a ten in our book. Of course, playing a doctor (or the bongos, naked) will score you extra points any day.
Cute men fall short of the "Hot" category for one of several reasons. There could be the age difference that makes you feel dirty (in a bad way), but it could also be more physical. If they're too small-featured or have some kind of disproportion going on, they'll never be a full-fledged hot. Also, if they are too clean-cut or good-boy, it makes your fantasies difficult to imagine. He's still attractive, but not enough to make you think all those dirty thoughts with just a glance. These boys have potential, but need to work it.
This is a category that seems universal among most women, but is most difficult to define. Men that "ooze sex" don't necessarily have to be very good looking at all. In fact, they tend not to be someone that you'd even like to call hot. However, there's something about their look that makes you want to take off your clothes as quickly as possible. Often, it is the bad-boy mentality. People like Colin Farrell and such would thus fall into this category. Other older men like Mick Jagger would make it in based on a combination of look and reputation. Though, it must be said that Mick Jagger does not make me want to disrobe in any way. (But you can't really think of him without thinking, "he must fuck a lot.") Others, like Seal, can make it in with a mix of some mysterious scarring and a smart Armani suit. The possibilities are endless, really.
The boys that are "not my type" seem to be categorized by lots of other girls as "hot" or "cute" but somehow just didn't make the cut for this particular chick. Often it has something to do with the personality of the guy or maybe, if he's a celebrity, an odd part he played in a movie. This will be the most variable, but you'll see lots of repeaters such as Orlando Bloom. I think his hobbit role just kind of killed it for so many of us. Sadly, I think the same can be said for me of Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenahaal. Of course Heath's new obsession with looking like a hippie is also squashing my image of him. *sigh*
You have to suck at life to fall into this category. I mean, even sloppy men can make it into the "cute" category if they have enough humor, kindness, or personality. Often, gang-banging, open disrespect of the female gender, and other equally dispicable acts will ban you to this zone eternally. Basically you've got to be ugly inside and out, which is probably more rare than you'd think.
Real gems will probably fall into more than one category. Those are the ones you try to hold onto for as long as possible. As for how we date each of these boys, individually…that's another story altogether. A story that involves the cross-referencing of father figures during adolescense, drug & alcohol use, and other variables.
So…what category shall I put you in? I like to keep my men organized, you know.
Last 5 posts by Jenna
- peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
- bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
- I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
- fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
- No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007
I’m personally an Orlando Bloom fan. Not sure why, but I am.
I have to say I’m down with the Depp. But I find my tastes vary with movie releases and the publishing of police headshots. For example, Patrick Dempsey brought the So Fucking Hot until he whined his way through the Grey’s Anatomy season finale. Now, he’s just Good Looking and Josh Holloway has replaced him in the So Fucking Hot category. IMHO, of course.
Claudia, I’m sure it has something to do with hobbits.
Karrie, excellent point about Dempsey. I’m overlooking these flaws for now, but these things are like the tides.
You reminded me about how I want the prince to put it in me. That would be so cool.
Oh and if we went somewhere where Dempsey and Depp were in a room it would work out well cause you’d say “I’ll take Dempsey” and I’d say “I’ll take Depp.”
Dempsey was whiny in the season finale, but the way he took control, picked Meredith up, and just fucked her on the medical chair/table was so hot, it completely wiped out all negative effects of the whining. He’s still in the So Fucking Hot category for me.
FYI…I’d pork ‘em all