Lo’s Weekly Rant
Stamped: July 20th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, complaint dept..
This is going to be short, mostly because I’m tired, hungover, and generally unpleasant. Earlier this week I was reminded yet again of why life would be so much easier if I were a lesbian.
So you’ve heard the joke right?
What does the one lesbian bring with her on the second date with another lesbian?
A U-Haul.
Hardee har har. Funny you think. Hyperbole you think. Exaggeration you think. Wrong. It’s about one step away from complete reality.
About fifty percent of my female friends in San Francisco are lesbians. Before you go getting all Fantasy Island on my shit, no, I’m not hooking up with any of them. When I first moved here I worked at a women’s rights non-profit and now I play on a women’s soccer team. Do the math. It’s San Francisco.
Basically the point is that all of them at one point or another have shocked the proverbial pants off me with how quickly they dive into committed relationships, or just relationships in general. I swear to Christ, I literally introduced one friend to another via Myspace a WEEK ago and despite the fact that one lives in L.A. and the other in New York they are already talking about how in love they are and just to put a little action to those words, homegirl from nyc is coming to visit next week. I shit you not. Another friend of mine met a girl at a bar on Friday, took her home, slept with her, by Sunday they were inseparable and have been together ever since. This is NOT the exception to the rule people, this is the motherfucking rule.
Here in Straightland you date a guy for six months, leave a toothbrush at his house and you’d think you were aiming a scud missiles at his baby-maker; major peace talks must ensue and you have to assure him repeatedly that NO you do not expect an engagement ring anytime in the near future. GOD FORBID you be so presumptuous as to assume that this “thing” has potential for a relationship that could end in….gasp…commitment.
My friend M started dating a girl, they had been dating for about a month when she excitedly called to tell me that they had exchanged I-love-yous. Happy for her, but a little skeptical at the accelerated pace of the relationship (I had been dating a guy for six months and still hadn’t heard it) I said, “Wow, that was kinda fast huh?”. Almost offended she replied, “Lo, it’s been, like, a month”. Which immediately resulted in gnashing of teeth and tequila shots as I tried to figure out WHY THE HELL DOESN’T HE LOVE ME! Cry, sob, realize that they’re LESBIANS, and it is DIFFERENT. Women in general have the ability to express emotions unceasingly and without reservation, they also love the comfort of commitment and the stability of a partner. Mix two together and stir, voila. A commitment martini.
Though it still irks me every once in a while that emotional bonds can be formed so quickly and so easily between women and it takes a lot more work with the opposite sex, the fact remains that if you’re dating a girl, inevitably you will both be PMS’ing at the SAME TIME. No amount of accelerated I love yous can make up for the torment that is two estrogen charged women in an emotionally volatile relationship when aunt flow comes to town. If you’ve ever seen two lesbians in the throes of relationship jihad you know what I’m talking about. That shit is DRAMATIC. I am of the firm belief that I have MORE than enough emotion and neuroses for an entire relationship, add another me to the mix and I’d need a shotgun. Seriously.
Last 5 posts by Lo
- Hello, God? It's me, Fashion Mullet. - March 30th, 2007
- To Slut or Not to Slut, That is the Question... - October 26th, 2006
- Sidle on Up to the Booty Bar - October 20th, 2006
- Slacker Central - October 12th, 2006
- Lo's Weekly Rant: I Call Bullshit. - October 5th, 2006
hmmm…ok, so i can totally agree with you, having experienced the incredible whirlwind that is the lesbian dating scene - but…how do you explain commitment-phobic lesbians? is this abnormal? should there be a support group?!
hahahaha….i was just waiting for the “my friend k” story….so sad to have missed the cut….though, in my own defense, its not for lack of trying yo….if the misses had some sperm up in there and i had better credit…i’d be a marin soccer mom by now…it has been, afterall, been a good three months….and alas, steph, being that i myself am of the lesbian persuasion, i’ll let you in on a little inside information….see, my dear, there are only two reasons why a lesbo is a commitment-phobe:
(1) there are not real, certifiable, carpet-munching lesbos…in ten years they’ll be all settled down with there gay-ass husband “craig,” carting the kids to bible school, and carefully avoiding all references to mommy’s “more adventurous youth”; or
(2) they are really just straight men trapped in a lesbos body….seriously dude…the only things their bras are good for is lugging around all that testosterone they got swishing around in em tits….
alright kimana we’re gonna have to rumble because clearly you are not reading my eloquently vulgar posts closely enough…ummm hello…
“Another friend of mine met a girl at a bar on Friday, took her home, slept with her, by Sunday they were inseparable and have been together ever since.” How do you feel about me telling your g-fry about how you don’t remember the night you met? Of course you made the cut sister, ain’t no bigger uhaul than the one sitting in your back yard.
steph - I’ll have to defer to kim-ana’s wisdom on the finer points of lesbian drama. The only other explanation I can offer is that most lesbians I know who are commitmentphobes are only that way because they prefer the term “polyamorous” to “monogamous”. If I had a dime for every time I heard the phrase “open relationship”….
ummm…..well…if you want to be technical about it….i met her on a THURSDAY…admittedly after about 11 too many cocktails….i took her home but the bitch wouldn’t give it up…thankfully she left all her license and credit cards in my bed….a thoughtful gesture i think, since it made remembering her name and what she looked like A HELL OF A LOT easier the next morning (although, she DID cancel all of her credit cards before i had woken up…probably a smart move on her part…afterall, you can never trust a black grrl)….and by saturday afternoon we had exchanged long-awaited “i love you’s,” which finally prompted her to give it up…and so we got it on…and the rest, my friends, is history…
I saw these lesbians making out today at like 9am in midtown on the street and I think that’s truly love if you can git into it during rush hour drudgery.
On another note, I hate homosexuals- they should be damned!!!! God hates them because they are sinners!
JK HHAHHAHAHA
God is totally a fag.
No way Heather, God is totally a dyke. Let’s be real!
kimana - that was a touching story. fuck Snow White, that shit should be animated and read to little children as a bedtime story.
So, “Lo,” you didn’t think I would see this, did you?? Well the JIG IS UP! And your ass is on a platter for using me as lesbian fodder. I am not a crazy u-haul lesbian!! or am i? I’ll let you know in a month. CRAP. The real question is, is God really a dyke? Now is makes SO much sense why Judy Blume wrote “are you there god? it’s me, margaret.” Margaret fucken KNEW the divine dyke could feel her pre-menstrual pain. that is all. see you on friday, SNATCH.
This was great reading. I love this website. Too bad the boys don’t update their blogs as much as you do.