Stamped: July 24th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, complaint dept., friends and losers, love letters.

Dear Stan,

I know we don't talk much, but I thought we should open up our lines of communication. You see, often times, it seems like you and I talk more than my boyfriend and I talk–and he and I live together! I know, crazy, right? Well, it has to do with your bellowing voice. It is regal, I'll give you that. Totally royal. It's just that when I'm sitting down watching a movie or reading a book, it can be unsettling to hear you tell your girlfriend that she's a stupid bitch. I mean, I'm sure she is a total wench, but that's besides the point.

I mean, I guess that must be why you park your 1984 Rabbit on an angle in the parking lot. It's totally reasonable to take up two parking spots, even if you only drive the thing about once a week! I'd be worried that your insane, stupid, worthless girlfriend might open her car door and chip that lovely aluminum paint job you've got going.

Another thing is your sinus problem, Stan. I mean, I'm really concerned about your health lately. You seem to have an excessive amount of mucus in your throat and nose and it's well past allergy season. Don't get me wrong; it's totally great that you spend many hours of your day clearing said mucus with ferocity and determination. Show that snot who's the damn boss, Stan!

I guess it's good to know that you're still enjoying yourself despite the health and girlfriend issues. In fact, it's really nice to know that I don't have to watch the Yankees play all the time because, based on your maniacal yelling, I can tell who's winning! And that surround sound system you've got must really heighten the experience of your nightly movies. I'd be jealous if you weren't so kind enough to share with us!

In the end, I think maybe I'd suggest some nice relaxation techniques. It may help with your stress. Yes, of course I know you're stressed! I can hear the weight on your shoulders as it resonates down through your heavy feet. Especially in the bedroom. For some reason I hear you pounding around a lot in there. Oh wait a second! I'm so embarrassed! That must be you and the lovely lady enjoying your relaxation, together! Sorry to intrude!

So, about that letter you left on my door…the one about slamming the door when James, the boyfriend, was simply trying to fix the deadbolt at about 4 o'clock in the afternoon. I am so not going to hold that against you. Nor will I bring to mind that time that you screamed down obscenities about our laughter that time that we both had our balcony doors open. I'm here to tell you that I know you must have it rough. I mean, I'm practically privy to your every. single. move.

So, thanks Stan. Thanks for being so open. For sharing so much of yourself. For just being you.

Your neighbor,
Jenna

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007