Top Five People Screwing Up Girlspokia
Stamped: August 7th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, complaint dept., lists, literature and smut.
So I'm reading that book by Bernie Goldberg, 100 110 People Who Are Screwing Up America. Of course, I'm reading it with a grain or hundred of salt, but whatever. The point here is that I've been inspired to create my own list. So behold, my friends, and rejoice. We now have a plan to go along with this world domination and cock inspection manifesto! I've yet to come up with a full 100, so for now, here is my current Top Five People That are Screwing up Girlspokia. (You'll just have to go with the Girlspokia bit for now, mkay?)
I cannot help but place the blame, singlehandedly and squarely on Ron Jeremy's shoulders for creating the stigma that an ugly man makes a fantastic porn star. He–HE!–is considered the king of porn. Ok, so he has a big dick, I guess. Yes, that helps. But, MY GOD, we still need a nice face and body to go along with this! His rise to the top of porn fame has left the door wide-the-fuck open for any other sleazy, mustache-sportin', non-grooming, hygiene-guessing Tom, Dick, and Harry to follow suit. And someone's got to be keeping him on top, right? I suppose all the Ron Jeremy supporters shall be lumped into this listing as well, then. Becuase if you're not for us, you might as well be against us. And none of this, "well, he used to be kinda hot" bullshit. Was Jenna's sexiness ever in question? Is it ever going to be? I rest my case. Long live hot men in porn!
This one hardly needs an explanation. The existence of this girl, coupled with the existence of this guy explains half of the problems with relationships today. Number one? She confirms the fear that, once married, a woman is going to "let herself go." A close second? That there really are no quality men out there because even a once-fantasized-about woman like Britney Spears settles for a scummy dirtbag like Kevin Federline. Why even bother, people? Just throw in the towel now and save yourself the years and years of anguish.
This includes, but is not limited to, those women who appear on Bridezillas, the ladies I always seem to stand next to while in line for the fucking bathroom, and any casually observed pouter who is strolling down the street in Anytown, USA with her poor, pathetic boyfriend. Not only do they simply add to the negative energy that suffocates the world these days, but they are also giving our gender a bad name. If anything, be more commanding! More authoritative! We don't need this pouty shit! Of course, it doesn't help that I'm in New York and I hear the accompanying accent that only accentuates the bad. Even worse is that I'm upstate and these chicks still have that one-of-the-boroughs twangs that makes me want to stab myself in the eardrum. I guess at least I'm not in the dirty south.
The other day I was coming home from a nice breakfast. The sun was shining, the sky was crystal blue, and I didn't feel so full that I had to unbutton my pants. I was in an excellent mood. Driving over the Hudson River, on my way back home, I began to slow down at the edge of the bridge in preperation for the toll booths. To my left, I'd noticed a maroon minivan complete with a mom driver, a grandma passenger, and a young girl in the back seat. So cute, right? Heh. Fucking wrong. This driver apparently thought that I, by remaining in the correct lane, was cutting her off. So, what is a woman with her family in tow to do? Why, slow down, slam on her horn, and simultaneously give me the finger over the lap of her elderly mother, that's what! I was in utter disbelief. Is this the kind of behavior that we feel is not only appropriate to do in front of our mothers, but in front of our children?! Let's just perpetuate the assholes from generation to generation, shall we? Ahhh. So refreshing.
People. We don't ask for money. We only casually ask for beer and sex. We work our asses off–yes, because we enjoy it–but also to entertain you! Is it really too much to ask that you leave a dime or two in the form of some witty or kind words in our comment box? You're ruining our pride! You're sucking me dry! I need some more attention, goddamn it! Sigh. This kingdom wasn't built on silence and reservation, you know. Girlspokia, though totally fictitious and completely alive in the minds of us heart-shaped bed girls, is fragile, my friends. It is about to get some Roman freakshows on deck, so watch out.
Last 5 posts by Jenna
- peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
- bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
- I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
- fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
- No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007
i think you’re a little off base with ol’ ron, he’s become more of a parody of himself than a threat to spokeworld(i did see this tape once where he was doing rails and was so messed up that he really couldn’t perform…) where did that come from?
hard to believe the hotness with the snake ended up looking like a 40 yr old trailer welfare mom with fat arms. can’t she afford a personal trainer, or chef, or dietician?
wow, those girls make up more than 50% of the internet’s fodder. can’t excuse how they behave, or what they believe to be acceptable behavior, but it sure makes for interesting reading, and great pictures. you must of found the only photo of her not throwing a peace sign.
soccer moms will be the basis of someone’s thesis that gets them a nobel prize. down here in in neo-con land, the minivan is replaced with hummer/tahoe/expedition/escalade, so they are literally armed, dangerous, and clueless as to their surroundings.
comments, bullshit. i will be the one to reveal the dirty little truth about spokemedia’s comments scam. at first you are stroked back with teasing comments from the originator, so you post more. then, the site mistress pm’s you about “this little thing we at girlspoke call a
posting tarrif”. like a local dealer, the first one’s for free. meme’s paypal account is alive a quite full, i am litterally posting with my last dime. thank g_d the soccer mom’s pay to have sex with a middle aged guy with a big dick.
don’t get me started on the fee system over at dirtyspoke…
God, Ron Jeremy. Even that fucking name. I don’t care if his cock is 12 foot long there isn’t a bag big enough to cover his damn head and body. He must be destroyed.
Ron Jeremy’s only still on top (no pun intended) of the porn business because he resembles a cleaner, more well kempt version of most porno shoppers.
Um, Jenna, don’t hold back, really let us know your opinion on this, Ok? I mean gosh, ugly men need love’n too.
Besides, in the dark, all bodies look the same they just taste, feel and above all, smell differently.
I am an expert after all, just ask HER.
HIM
I just found your site last night, I couldn’t help but laugh my ass off while doing a little browsing through the archives…Today, I decided I needed another “girlspoke” pick me up. Just for info sake… I don’t usually like to ‘comment’ until after the 3rd or 4th date. So, just call me easy… you got me in 2.
I’ll definitely be back, I won’t be able to help myself… You’re such a great… ‘read’.
Sage
Ron J. is soooooo nasty.
witty words? unfortunately, i don’t have any at the moment. but let me proceed to tell all you lovely ladies that you guys write some sexyclever shit. keep it up =)
I love Girlspoke!!! You ladies make my day, everyday. Thank God for such fabulous women as yourselves, setting the record straight, one post at a time.
I don’t think Ron Jeremy is the problem. I think the problem is with porn directors. If they aren’t letting the girl moan 3 seconds into the sex as if she’s mid-orgasm already or letting the guy out-moan the woman, they’re letting the camera spend waaaaay too much time on the guy’s upper body. There’s your real problem, the director featuring nothing more than a hairy douchebag grunting into the camera for extended periods of time. Nobody wins. And with the 4 additional sentences I’ve already deleted, I need to stop analyzing porn now.
woo I love your site.
jenna, just came across you site, and couldnt stop laughing, everyone in the office was giving me strange looks
just great what you’r saying
and being a guy i can FULLY SUBSCRIBE that Ron is a major turn off. Hey I cant get a hard on if I seem shagging, no matter how horny or beautiful she seems…
and one of the previous comments is right, its the fault of the producers and directors, but then again the other comment is right, maybe there are people with such low self-esteem that they want to see pretty girls “enjoying” - I cant even thing about that - gag — with such an ugly guy…
oh god, cant even believe you reminded me about that man, nearly had forgotten he did exist…