Stamped: August 24th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: children, complaint dept., cry for help, living abroad, rant.

LIVE from Montreal…it's the estrogen shit show.

So recently I went off birth control. Yes, it's true. Patrick Dempsey and I are trying to get pregnant. I know, I know, very exciting news, feel free to tell TMZ and the pressure off K-Fed and Brit, seriously I don't mind.

Regardless, I guess I had no idea the horrible little balancing act one little pill can cause your precious little hormones to do. Stop taking it and poof! You're a walking personification of Terms of Endearment tragedy. Seriously, I've never cried so much over stupid shit in my entire life. It's positively cliché. It's the kind of crying that just wells up and won't be suppressed despite the fact that you're not sad at all. For a mere second you're overcome and then the next thing you know you're looking around to make sure no one saw you because really, what the HELL were you crying about?

I have friends who refuse to take birth control because of how much it fucks with your body and I'm beginning to agree. If it weren't for the prospect of tiny little Lo's running around spewing vitriol and baby formula in equal amounts, I'd probably swear it off for good. Because what else, what else I ask you, could be responsible for THIS. THIS is a list of the shows I have cried during in the last week, and it's an incomplete list at that. I don't know what's more abhorrent, the fact that I'm actually watching them or the fact that I'm CRYING about them.

Exhibit A: Grey's Anatomy

Now, this isn't so bad, I mean it's designed to be a tear jerker for twenty-something chicks looking hopelessly for their Dr. McDreamy, but seriously? I've watched five episodes and cried during EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Christina stole Burke's surgery cap and I lost it, just fucking lost it. Doesn't she know he can't operate without it? Doesn't she know that Izzy's little man friend will DIE if Burke's not at the top of his game? Heartless bitch. And forget about the way that McDreamy looked at Meredith, I mean just forget it.

Exhibit B: 20/20

Now this one is also semi-defensible, there was a story about a Mormon family with eight bazillion kids and the last two puppies of the litter were twins with allegedly fatal heart abnormalities. One of Christ's little soldier's had to have a heart transplant which he got from another baby who had died due to suffocation. SERIOUSLY people? Doesn't John Stossel KNOW I'm suffering from an over abundance of estrogen already. You gotta lay on the terminally ill babies too? What. The. Fuck.

Exhibit C: Sex and the City

Poor Aidan. Oh my god he LOVES her. Can't she see he's the perfect man? No, all she does is think about her shoes and her need for horribly contrived voice-overs. I'm sitting here single and alone and there are men out there pining after women who don't deserve them. Sob, gasp, choke, sob. What a world, what a world.

P.S. I decided that a picture of this guy was much more entertaining and/or stimulating than a picture of the four ho's. That he was a minor character in the show at large and entirely absent from the episode I watched, matters not.

Exhibit D: Miami Ink

More dead children. If Kat von what's-her-face inks one more person with a disturbingly accurate yet heartbreaking portrait of their dead kid I'm going to kill myself.

Exhibit E (a.k.a. nail in the coffin): Charmed (yes that's right, the one with the witches)

Yes, I do on occasion (albeit very bored occasions) watch this show and no I don't date guys who play D&D in their spare time, although I'm sure they're very nice. But this is a show about SISTERS, you see. I have sisters, I love my sisters and here these women are and they're fighting every day for their LIVES people – against EVIL okay, EVIL. But they're in it TOGETHER no matter how many time Piper gains ten pounds or what offensive color Page dyes her hair, TOGETHER you hear? And they've got all these powers and responsibilities and all they want to do is LIVE their lives and all they want to do is have babies with white lighters and date Nick Lachey, is that too much to ask? They didn't ask for this! It's not their fault they're Charmed!

Deep Breath.

In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am one hundred and ten percent guilty of being a total fucking nutjob, due, in large part, to the overabundance of free agent estrogen running around in my body pumping out eggs like Karl Rove pumps out propaganda. It's not easy being a walking fertility clinic and I'll tell you what, there is another mitigating circumstance. Not only do you want to cry all over yourself at varying points in the day but every male that walks by, every phallic object you see, quickens the pulse and provokes SERIOUSLY dirty thoughts. How's that for a fun little contradiction. If I were to have sex right now (and my number is 415-897…) I would probably inexplicably cry in the middle of it. So for now, I'm keeping my skirt (and hand) tucked neatly between my legs, and tuning into McDreamy until my body stops trying to conjure little Lo's with every waking thought. Oh the horror, the horror.

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