Stamped: August 28th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: lists, work.

After a bit of a vacation, I'm going back to work this week. And aside from my new clothes, I'm not all too thrilled about the matter. Of course, the discrepancy is that I like my job. I mean, I sure as hell complain quite a bit about it, and I've started the rumor that I'm quitting "after this year" about three times of my five years of employment. But, at the end of the day–or year–I really like my job.

I spent, oh, about five minutes, thinking about my quandry and came up with the following logic for my love/hate relationship with that which brings me a bi-weekly paycheck. In fact, I'm sure it's why just about anyone hates (but still kinda loves) their job. It's the fucking people. I heard on NPR the other day (because I'm so incredibly pretentious) that somewhere around 90% of people would be happier with their careers if they didn't have to deal with people. Granted, this would also mark said jobs as obsolete, without a client to serve, but whatever. The point is a good one. So I'm narrowing it down to a tangible enemy. I figure that if this doesn't at least make me (and you–misery loveslovesloves company, right?) feel better, then at least I'll create some fodder for when my identity is discovered by my superiors and I'm not-so-graciously tossed onto my proverbial ass.

Public Enemy #1: The Power Secretary

You probably heard about her clout during your first week on the job, and if you're anything like me, you totally ignored all caveats to befriend her. As a result, none of your paperwork was ever returned on time, your requests for personal days were lost or forgotten, and you started getting a funny vibe every time you walked by her desk. This chick has fucked too many people to have a little pissant like you act superior to her administrative assistant duties. I mean, without her, the office would simply fall apart, right? The computer literate are hard to find these days people! She's irreplaceable!

Public Enemy #2: Your Spineless Co-Worker

This fucking douchebag, male or female, makes your daily work a living hell. When there are obstacles to climb, he's more content leaving well enough alone. When things need to be updated, he points out that colored pencils and Sharpie markers still make a beautiful chart. This dude will lay just beneath the radar for a predetermined amount of time. And then, as if he'd planned it all along, he'll rise to the top with a single act of suggestion and will certainly be your boss by the end of the year. Motherfucker.

Public Enemy #3: That Chick–What Does She Even Do Here, Anyway?!

Everyone knows this woman works here, but no one is exactly sure what title she holds. Similar to the power secretary, she has a lot of pull around the office, and is even seen yelling at the bosses on a regular basis. She doesn't give a shit about being fired, because, somehow, there's a cannot-be-fired clause in her contract. Of course, you can't fully avoid her, but do your best. When face-to-face with this Wonder Woman, it takes all your restraint not to tell her how amazing a bitch she really is. In all likelihood, she's the ex-wife of a "Main Office" guy, or she has some serious blackmail over one of them.

Public Enemy #4: The Do-Gooder

This is typically a woman, as I've found in my experience. Characteristics include being entirely too cheery to be employed at this place, humming and singing showtunes as she wanders the halls, an inability to dress well, and a fiery temper that is seen on rare occasion at closed-door meetings. She will be a kissass for as long as she lives (at the workplace, of course–at home, she's a miserable troll) and she will be the brunt of office bitching sessions for as long as you live. But remember, she likes it that way.

Public Enemy #5: The "Main Office" People

Last, and probably least, the head honcho(s) are meant to be disliked. I mean, with all the policies and paperwork and red tape you've got to deal with, they're certainly to blame! You're supposed to want to stick it to the man in a very non-sexual way! But often times you find yourself thinking he's funny or the other guy is so stupid that it'd be illegal in most states to berate him. And then you remember the Power Secretary and the What Does She Do Here Chick, and your anger shifts. At least you know your enemies are close, right?

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007