Stamped: September 6th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

I'm proud (blushing, actually) to announce the first ever (and possibly last) installment of Dildo-Spoke™! I've put aside my crystal ball for a more personal approach to your monthly fortune-telling. The rules are simple, really. From the list below, find the dildo that most resembles the one that resides in that dark corner of your bedroom endtable. Then, read your fates as only your most intimate friend would know. You ready? Seriously. This is going to be so much fun. (Almost as fun as parenthetical inserts!)

The Hot, Trendy Dildo

Ok, so you're into trends, fads, and basically anything that people are "buzzing" about. Typically this finds you in good favor, especially in the bedroom. But beyond those boudoir doors, be more cautious about your daily activities and associates. Going with the flow may get you into some serious trouble. Someone's out to manipulate you, and I'm not talking about that dreamy guy who would just do wonders with some rope, lube, and your sweet little bunny friend.

The Techno-Savvy Dildo

Does this resemble your regular playtime playmate? You're obviously into techno gadgets and likely have a top-of-the-line laptop, sleek cell phone, and maybe even a Blackberry. In fact, when you first got this new toy, you were kinda bummed when you realized that sharing your excitement with co-workers would likely get you canned. So, this month, I'm going to suggest you try to remember life without your plug-and-play accessories. Get out of your house, stop talking about yourself, and leave your computer with a friend for the weekend. I promise you'll be refreshed and ready to face the month. With or without your gadgets. Well, maybe you can keep the iBuzz.

Ain't-Nothing-Like-The-Real-Thing Dildo

You've been through a couple of these things, haven't you? And I'm not implying you've worn them out…you're just kind of picky and have ultimately decided that the "next best thing" should at least closely resemble the "thing." First, I applaud you; these real-life versions have always creeped me out a little. But this is about your therapy, not mine. This month, you're going to be really busy. And by "really busy" I mean that you'll likely be overwhelmed at work with an impossible project that will decide your fate at this company and then maybe your best friend will have an emotional breakdown and you'll be on Suicide Watch 2006 and then maybe a familial catastrophe that involves the family dog or your poor Uncle Hubbard. Details, right? The point is to remember your fair-weather friend in your time of need. If there's a buzz, there's a way. Power to the penis-like instrument, I say.

The Bells & Whistles Dildo

If your dildo involves straps, glue, or other apparatus not including batteries, then this is your category. You're a bit showy and why should this ostentatiousness stop in the bedroom? Well, actually, that's the thing. You may want to kick it down a few notches or hundred this month. Your high energy is going to raise flags of possible drug abuse, and your violent denials are really going to escalate the situation like coke and a couple of hookers. So let's relax, ok? Put away the bells and whistles and get in touch with your more sane, rational, and likable side.

The Au Naturel

Sigh. I was hoping there wouldn't be too many of you, but I'm guessing you're more prominent than I'd like to think. See, the thing with you Naturals is that you try to play it off as kink. You know, the excuses about how at dinner, one thing led to another and soon enough you were tossing a fruit and cucumber salad in your cootch….yeah, those just aren't going to fly anymore. The truth is that fear and intimidation has taken over. Make this month your month to break free and just step out with confidence. Your homework? Visit at least three sex shops this month and purchase at least five items. (Then email me the details.)

The Slim, Chic, Minimalist Dildo

Listen, you've got a fucking sex toy. Big deal, right? I'm sensing that the owners of this dildo type are really not into discussing the fact. Embarrassment? Fuck that. You'd wear the thing around your neck if you fucking felt like it, wouldn't you? It's more about the tedious questions and giggles that accompany such conversations. I hear you, fuck fiend. You know what you want, and are probably looking for a similar partner in the flesh. My suggestion for this month is to be more open to individuals and situations that you'd normally give a flying fuck about. An opportunity is approaching and you'll need to have your vacancy sign fully illuminated.

The Incognito or What-The-Fuck-Is-That Dildo

This sleek, often metallic (sometimes glass) piece of art is more something you use to decorate your home interior, and, oh, just happen to also stick up your crotch for orgasmic pleasure. It's so pretty, isn't it? You enjoy seeking out the elite, the obscure, and the intriguing in most facets of your life and the sex toy department is no exception. I would suggest that you carry on with this mindset for the rest of the month. You're in the midst of starting something new in your life and this frame of being will bring forth many excellent niches to explore. And if all doesn't pan out, then at least you have a dildo that also serves as a fabulous paperweight.

Ok, are you all set? Good luck this month. (In and out of the boom-room.) And, if you couldn't find your dildo from the list provided, then just choose the closest thing, dammnit. I'm not a fucking phone-sex operator. Or, go to the store and buy yourself something new and shiny!

Last 5 posts by Jenna

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