Stamped: September 7th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: dates of yore, hot sex, just plain stupid.

Friends, clergymen, nymphomaniacs, vagrants and hot Australians, I’d like to welcome you to Lo’s Church of Unattainable Men. We are a non-denominational house of ill repute and all are welcomed with open arms and inappropriate caresses. This is where all the unavailable men go to join forces, hold hands and keep you mired in singledom. Whether you are emotionally, physically, geographically, or mentally unavailable, you are welcome, nay, celebrated.

Some women who visit our church from time to time, treat it as a sort of petting zoo where you keep your distance and pet the animals with rubber gloves. Other’s worship here exclusively to the point where I catch them bathing naked in the holy water. Well…that might have been me, but whatever. Either way I thought it might be helpful to do a short bio of a few of the unattainable. They are familiar characters to be sure but sometimes adding a little pain to counter balance the pleasure of the day is good for our Chi. So, I introduce to you, my faithful.

The Best Friend’s, Best Friend

HOT. Hot, hot, hot and double hot. You’ve known this guy since college, he’s your roommate’s best bud from home and you’ve heard all the stories about him, good, bad and endearing as hell. You hang out with him several times in your awkward early college years but are so intimidated by his winsome smile and good looks that you invariably make like a tapestry and blend into the background. Years later after you’ve realized you’re just as hot as him, except with a vagina – you hit it off famously and are convinced once again that you are supposed to bear him many children. He’s hot, you’re charming, you could have smart hot little babies together and all would be right with the world. But alas, the only thing separating you and him from a starring role in a Nicholas Sparks novel is the fact that, oh yeah, he’s “The Girlfriend Guy”. They guy who ALWAYS has a girlfriend, ever since you’ve known him which is a little under a decade and she is unfailingly, cute, smart and completely un-hateable which really chaps your ass because you’d like to be able to plot her demise with your best friend but that doesn’t work cause you’re best friend “really loves her”. Ugh. However, this guy is worth the wait so he inspires you to hang onto the completely baseless notion that a couple years from now at your best friend’s wedding you both will be single at the same time and fall blissfully in love.

Unattainable Guy Reality Check: Ain’t gonna happen, this is not the kind of guy who stays single for more than five seconds, and what’s the likelihood that those five seconds will occur with you in proximity? About the same as George Bush winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

The Geographic Hell-No

This is another chap with the best friend seal of approval. You haven’t met him but have endured more than one endless soliloquy convincing you that your soul mate currently resides in Belize where he is taking some time off from that pesky little NGO he pioneered. You’ve seen pictures he’s definitely cute and your friend should be in the real estate business cause she is selling this boy hard. He’s lived in four states in five years so he obviously shares your penchant for travel, plus according to her he has “great arms”, which just so happen to be one of your favorite features. Once again, there you are harboring the secret hope that eventually you’ll both be feeding orphans in the same developing country and POOF, it’s the Constant Gardner all over again, except without all that nasty death and assassination, but all of the hot sex.

Unattainable Guy Reality Check: Sorry once again, reality fails to provide any kind of optimism here. The fact is that not only does he jump around more than Richard Simmons but are you really going to move to Idaho with him to research potato skins as a new renewable energy source? Didn’t think so.

The Bartender (a.k.a. The Holy Grail)

Now, we have all come across this particular disciple once or twice, and he is oh-so-tempting, isn’t he? He’s a bit of a rogue, with blue eyes that make your hoo-ha tingle, and enough charm to invoke your impression of butter on hot tar. You know he’s bad news, I mean he has unavailable written all over him, and you’re a smart girl. But you can’t help it. You are willing to risk being a cliché because damn it, he’s special. He’s working his way through grad school and he’s going to make it big one day! He’s not like all the other gigolos slinging whisky, NO! And besides, you have a connection.

Unattainable Guy Reality Check: Yes, yes, he may be perfect, he may be the man of your dreams and maybe you can be the one to change him, the one to cement his wandering eye permanently on your backside – OR – He could be just what your subconscious tells you he is, a guy who’s making a play for your bed and would rather drink PBR than actually date anyone seriously. You know this! This is Guys Are Assholes 101 for crying in the mud. Go ahead, fuck his brains out, but remember he is 100% fool-proof-slippery-as-teflon unattainable. Usually I don’t care to reiterate such obvious points but I recently witnessed a friend fall for this tired schtick so I thought it was worth pounding into your heads yet again.

Well, enough of my own personal sermon on the mount for today. There are plenty more churchgoing men-folk to introduce you to but all in good time. Next time we will highlight “The Narcissistic Artist-Writer-Philosopher”, “The Pseudo-Gay Best Friend”, and “The Asshole in Sheep’s Clothing”. For now you are only allowed to go to bars where ugly middle aged men named “Hal” pour you free shots and do the crossword puzzle at an alarmingly slow rate.

Peace,
Lo

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