Stamped: September 13th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: just plain stupid, marketing.

I loved it when Dove came out with those Campain For Real Beauty commercials. If anything, it's at least stirring up the pot of models that we have to stare at on TV, on the subway, crossing the street, driving down the highway, and reading magazines. And remember that commercial with the little girls? It aired during the SuperBowl, and they played True Colors in the background? God, totally fucking precious. Yay, Dove.

But now, inevitably, we've got the copycats. All those touchy-feely, women-loving-women-in-a-non-sexual-way advertisements. Lately, the campaign spearheaded by Secret, Share Your Secret, has got me cracking the fuck up on a semi-regular basis. If you haven't seen them, they feature two women, friends, mother/daughter, sisters, whatever. In daytime talkshow fashion, they are on camera to reveal some secret to one another. Apparently this is going to make them happy, so happy that they laugh to the point of perspiration, and then go out and buy some sweet-smelling Secret deodorant. And the tagline? Strong Enough to Share Your Secret? Just remember that as you keep reading…

Now, they started out cute and innocent enough, but recently, I've been expecting to see a fist fight or mud wrestle erupt after the super secret reveal. For example, one of the first starred two women in their fifties talking about how the one had to bribe her brother to take the chick to the prom. Kind of a kick in the ovary, but whatever; it's been 35 years, right? Next, we had a teenaged daughter reveal to her mother that she had recently gotten a tattoo. This has the potential of blowing into a full-fledged child abuse case, but the mom keeps her cool and gently laughs it off. Though I'm sure she's silently cursing her bastard of an ex-husband for taking the girl to get the damn thing.

Most recently, in Cosmopolitan magazine I saw a spread featuring a few new secrets. And I'm totally serious when I say that there has got to be some "lost" footage of two pissed-off chicks that is floating around the Secret headquarters. Take the first page, where two sisters and their mom are pictured, below them their secrets in quotes. One? "Your cat didn't run away. I let it out." Um, bitch? You killed my fucking cat? The next…the Mother's smiling face reads "I have a favorite child." Well, we can all guess it's probably not the cat-killing one!

But the next page gets better. Two twentysomething sisters are shown, completely engulfed in laughter. They are fully happy, fully sweating, and probably fully glad they didn't forget their deodorant that morning. Next to the blonde chick on the left reads "When we were kids, I took your pink sweater, dyed it red, and gave it back to you as a gift." Well, aren't you a two-faced little whore? So the other, eternally laughing at this total betrayal, says, "When I was seven, I broke your neckace and let our other sister take the blame." Hmm…and I wonder why this sister isn't in the picture with these two? Maybe it's because you gave her a fucking complex from which she never fully recovered, and is now rocking herself for days on end at the local insane asylum. You bitch.

I so hope that me and my high school friend can get stopped on the street by the Secret people. Maybe they can take our picture, cracking up, she can tell them about how she slept with an ex-boyfriend after he dumped me for not putting out and then I can whisper that I told her fiancee that she's a whore! Are we strong enough to share our secret? Sure! But only one of us is strong enough to beat the other into the fucking pavement! How's that sound, Secret?

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
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• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
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• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007