Stamped: October 5th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: complaint dept., rant.

I’m not exactly sure the point and/or direction that today’s diatribe will take but basically I’m in a particularly rank mood about being single. Perhaps it’s seeing one too many “perfect” couples waltzing around in their own little bubbles of puke colored bliss, or maybe it’s the nauseating blog I just read about a once pleasantly neurotic sista’ who has found love and now subjects her readers to hallmark-grade bullshit. I don’t know, and I don’t care but I’m going to do what everyone does nowadays when anything at all makes them even remotely uncomfortable…blame it on the movies.

A couple of weeks ago I went to see “The Last Kiss”. What a truly shameful fucking waste of ten dollars that was. You’d be advised to take that ten dollars and pay someone to pull out your goddamn fingernails and sprinkle hydrochloric acid on your nail-beds. I guarantee it would be more pleasant than hearing Zach Braff utter the words, “I got scared.” Spare me, Zach. Milli-fucking- Vanilli was more original. Blame it on the rain and maybe I won’t kick you in the balls.

But, I digress.

The real bone of contention was not the aforementioned criminally bad screenwriting, but the preceding trailer for a little movie called “The Holiday” with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law and Jack Black. The gist is that the two heroines, Kate and Cameron get dumped/screwed over, right before the holidays. Feeling depressed and despondent they decide to throw caution to the wind and house swap their respective London and L.A. pads for the holidays. The idea is that they get back to “themselves” and enjoy some time away from the offending male gender, visiting another country to boot. That’s all fine and dandy but it wouldn’t be another contrived witless romantic comedy without someone falling in love in the most unlikely scenario. In a complete shocker, Cameron goes to London and falls for Jude Law (there better be FULL frontal if they want to be redeemed for this imminent piece of shit) and in L.A. Kate falls for Jack Black (right, and Star Jones just does Pilates).

Now, in all fairness, this isn’t the most putrid chick flick ever made, I mean there are hundreds upon thousands and I’ve watched many of them. I used to love them, and the stupid little estrogen filled twit inside of me probably still does. I could go on a feminist tirade here and be COMPLETELY justified, but basically I’m just annoyed that I’ve actually internalized the bullshit. Take this new movie for example. Now, I can say for sure that I’ve known a good number of women who have done EXACTLY the same thing that Katie-poo and Cam-Cam have done – taken off after the pressure of post-break up anxiety became too much and flown off in hopes of a chiseled torso from a distant land. Ah yes, and I was one of them. This is where I call bullshit. This doesn’t fucking happen, okay. It’s about as likely as E.T. hiding out in your closet fingering your Manolo’s or Republicans NOT being hypocrites (hello mister Foley).

Now you’re saying to yourself, yes Lo, we know, we were all taught at a very young age that movies are not real - obviously you didn’t get the memo.

My POINT, people, is that even though our little rational brains say “oh yes, of course this is just a silly little fantasy concocted to produce a handy serotonin rush and a perverse need to watch more garbage,” we are actually internalizing the bullshit. The emotional subconscious sees a plausible situation played out on the big screen, this plausible situation results in a rush of serotonin connected to the logical conclusion of the plot. In other words, the stupid emotional subconscious experiences this equation…real life people just like me do A, B, and C and their actions result in a serotonin baked happy ending. Now, without the benefit of harsh rationality and a healthy dose of cynicism, the poor little emotional subconscious starts riding the short bus and believing that the same equation could recreate itself.

Curiously, I get the feeling my logic professor would not be impressed.

Anyway, what preacher Lo is saying is that we’re all full of shit when we say that we don’t believe in fairy tales, chick flicks or Jude Law taking his clothes off. It’s just bullshit. Some part of us believes it and we go into every situation with the small fragmented hope that our equation will play itself out in a similar fashion. Guess what, it won’t. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it’s never going to play itself in the seamless manner in which it does for Kate Winslet (and, ahem, Jack Black). That doesn’t mean it’s not going to work out, that doesn’t mean life isn’t good and there isn’t love to be had, but I think we should be careful what we expose ourselves to. It’s like that “skinny mirror” you have in your house – it makes you feel great and hopeful and raring to go. But what happens when you get your fat ass in the dressing room at Bloomie’s? Suddenly, you think you’re not as beautiful as you actually are because you’ve been walking around with a distorted picture of reality that has seeped into your psyche. A bit of fantasy and escapism is great every once and awhile, but when it becomes as pervasive as shit like this, it affects us in ways we are completely unaware of, but are detrimental nonetheless.

Shit, that ended way too serious. Here’s a picture of Jack Black getting his chest waxed.

Last 5 posts by Lo

• Hello, God? It's me, Fashion Mullet. - March 30th, 2007
• To Slut or Not to Slut, That is the Question... - October 26th, 2006
• Sidle on Up to the Booty Bar - October 20th, 2006
• Slacker Central - October 12th, 2006
• Lo's Church of Unattainable Men: Part Deux - September 28th, 2006