Stamped: November 14th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: complaint dept., friends and losers, moods, neuroses.

When did "How are you?" become the most loaded question in the English vernacular?

Here's the thing: Back in the day "How are you?" used to be an innocuous greeting like "What's up?" or "How's it going?" but not anymore. There was a shift a few years back. Now when someone asks "How are you?" they expect an accurate response. You can no longer give the stock answers of "Fine" or "Good" even "Okay" is no longer acceptable.

It used to be a polite icebreaker but now it's an invitation to unload all your troubles. In fact, if you don't the inquisitor will follow up with an "Are you sure?" or more specific questions about your life like "Are you still not talking to your mother?" or "Is your boyfriend still having that little problem?".

It's gotten so bad that I cringe every time the phone rings. "Are they gonna ask me that question?" I've even started coming up with a whole new set of stock answers. Like "Yeah, I just took the HIV test yesterday and I'm waiting for the results" which usually puts them off for about a week. Or "Holy crap, I've haven't taken a shit for a week and I'm ready to explode." which puts them at a loss for a follow up question other than questions about what I've been eating and that can be a good segue into a conversation about dining in New York. Ultimately any response that involves STDs or bowel movements should put the questioner off and hopefully make them think twice the next time around.

I liken this phenomenon to rubbernecking. People slow down on the highway to see if there's blood/guts/carnage which fundamentally makes them feel better about themselves as they are not the ones spread out in pieces on the highway. So when people ask the question they are not actually concerned about you but instead are looking for a reason to feel better about their own existence. In essence, becoming a form of self-affirmation at the expense of the other person. Fuck that.

So next time you ask "How are you?" and I say "Fine" just take it and move on 'cause if I wanted to tell you about my crappy life I'd stretch out on your couch and give you a notepad.

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