Stamped: December 1st, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: ex husband, italy, living abroad.

Yesterday I spent the day at the Italian consulate. They've got a cushy spot on Park Ave at 69th. When I walked up to the massive door there was guy polishing the huge brass knobs. He used his polishing rag to pull open the heavy door for me. As I entered I was greeted by a guy dressed in what looked like a carabinieri uniform, "Di che cosa ha bisogna?" My experience with Italian consulates has not been good. Years ago I spent many an afternoon at the consulate in San Francisco trying to get a visa to go study at the Universita di Bologna. Every time I went they would tell me I had filled out the wrong forms and needed to bring in some other document that 2 visits before I was told was not necessary. Then years before that I spent too many days at the consulate in Los Angeles which was run entirely by Ethiopians (I've got nothing against Ethiopians, I just thought it was strange seeing how Mussolini had invaded Ethiopia during WWII) to register my now-defunct marriage to an Italian.

So, since I suffered through years of marriage I figured it was high time I applied for my well earned Italian citizenship. Before even getting past the security check point the nice little carabinieri man was asking me all kinds of personal questions. "Lei e` sposata?" "Dov'e` il suo ex-marito?" "Perche`vuole cittidinanza?" Finally he waved me through and I was given a form to fill out. When I presented the form it was inevitably the wrong one and was told in rapid-fire fashion I needed the following documents:

• • valid passport of both spouses
• • Proof of residency (ex. Driver’s licence and/or utility bill)
• • Birth certificate with all information concerning the father and the mother, issued by the competent authorities of the Country of birth and legalized according to the rules established by the competent Italian Consular authority (individuals born in the USA shall bring the “Long Form” or “certified copy” of birth record, legalized with Apostille);
• • criminal records issued by the Police Authorities located in the applicant's:
  1. place of birth
  2. places of residence where one has resided after the age of 14. If place of residence was abroad you must contact the local Italian Consulate.
• • marriage certificate (estratto di matrimonio to be issued by the City in Italy where the marriage was registered);

Not only is this going to take me forever to get all these, what that hell is this about criminal records?

INFORMATION ON HOW TO GET CRIMINAL RECORDS
• • Background check issued by Federal Bureau of Investigation, CJIS Division – Attn. SCU-MOD/D2
• • Background check issued by the Central Police Office of each State of residence. Contact your local police station.

They want my FBI file? Holy crap.

I wonder what is on my file? I'm sure I've got a red mark for attending the most radical/liberal university in the world. Probably they marked down the time I got arrested during a protest, even though charges were dropped. Or what about being married to a foreigner who failed to pay taxes for many years and once he did tried to claim fake dependants. Or the same spouse that got stuck in Mexico trying to transport Cuban cigars (he didn't get caught but I left his ass in Tijuana for a month for being such a dumbass before filing for Humanitarian Parole.) Red flags? Maybe.

Will these things stop the Italian government from accepting me into their warm pasta-filled bosom? Will they deny me my cannoli? (wink wink) I just wanna be a part of all the yummy goodness Italian life has to offer. I can offer the following things in return: I can teach you all the good English curse words, I know how to fare il boccino and I'm not afraid to do it, I will buy many a pair of Italian shoes to contribute to the economy, I will make fun of American tourists with you, and finally I will eats lots of your food and sleep with many of your men.

If that doesn't convince the Italian government to issue me a passaporto then perhaps there's a nice French guy out there who wants to hook me up with some escargot for some voulez-vous coucher avec moi…

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