Stamped: December 11th, 2006 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: holiday hijinks, horospoke™, toys.

Not only was my post last week an poorly thought-out rant, but it was also in place of a Horospoke™ that I owe you all. I'm dreadfully sorry you needed to go through the first week of this month without a clue as to how to behave, or how to guide your actions. But all is well now; Miss Jenna is here. And, of course, we'll go with an appropriate holiday theme.

Next month will bring your big-bang into the New Year, traditional horospoke. However, for this month, choose the gift that you'd most like to recieve this year for Christmas (or whateverthefuck) and read your corresponding fortune. As always, if you're still confused as to how this works, bang your head against the wall several times and try again.

The Nintendo Wii

Here's the craze of the gaming world this season. Even my brother waited on line, as number 43, to be told that they only had 42 units. The appeal? You get to move more and stuff, from what I understand. The drawbacks? Gamers are already complaining that the remote can easily fly from your hand and crack expensive equipment that, evidently, gamers like to put directly in front of their hands while playing. Your fortune for this holiday? Try actually playing tennis. Or going bowling. Or shooting at people. Well, maybe not the last one. But whatever you do this holiday season, remember to hold onto your Wii, for fuck's sake.

Diamonds

No, just plain gold won't really cut it for you. And you may be content with your birthstone, again, this year, but it's not going to make you truly happy. Well, that's probably because you're a selfish bitch. Sorry, kid. No more coddling; it's all tough love from hear. Not only can your man not really afford it, but haven't you heard about the demonic things surrounding the diamond mining industry? Damn, there's even a movie coming out with Leo DiCaprio…and YES, he IS still alive, isn't that crazy?

Puppy or Other Animal-Type Creature

You realize that this is quite juvenile, don't you? I mean, really. A puppy? Do you expect it to have a red ribbon around its neck too? You clearly have not thought this through. I mean, unless you're suffering from empty nest syndrome, you are not fully eligible for this gift this year. Plus, you've got some serious issues to address. Yes, really. Puppies piss. On your floor. And eat. Like, eat your shoes. And then? Then they poop and you get to step in it. Yeah, isn't that just so cute? And don't even get me started if you're actually going to BUY one and not adopt from your local shelter. This season, it's time to grow up. And maybe buy a Chia Pet. See how you do with that first.

Lingerie

Lingerie is nice and all, but the fact that you're actually hoping you'll see it packaged under the tree this year is where your problem begins. You see, lingerie is an inherently selfish gift to give. Sure the girls like to wear it, but that's not why the boy is buying it. You hear me? Secondly, you really should be the one to purchase it. If he's resorting to handing it to you in front of your relatives on Christmas morning, you've missed some other major hints along the way. If you're desiring lingerie, you best get your booty to Vicky's and buy it your damn self. Even better? Wrap it up and give it to him. Let's think outside the box this season.

Plasma Screen TV

Similar to the puppy scenario, I'm not sure that you've fully thought this one through. I mean, once you have the high-def, super plasma television, you're going to need the upgraded cable service. Plus, you should really have a DVR. And while you're at it, maybe some surround sound to fully grasp the effect of the images on your crisp screen. Goddamn, that's getting pricey, isn't it? You can afford to wait a few more years more than you can afford to receive this thing for Christmas. Don't let your temptations get the best of you this year. What's that? You can afford it? Then why in the hell aren't you contributing more to the damn Girlspoke Drinking Fund, you bastard?!

Tools

You are probably among the best of hearts this holiday season. Seriously: you are hoping for a gift that is going to put you in line to do more work than you currently do. How is that anything other than awesome? Well, I suppose an argument could be made for maniacal, but we'll err on the side of caution so we don't go to Hell and stuff. Don't be the schmuck that asks for it only so it can clog up your garage or storage closet, though. Because those shits are expensive. But you're so not the type, I can just tell. And while we're chatting, could you take a look at this chair I've got? It's got a bit of a wiggle…

A Good Lay

Sigh. I hear you and everything, but this is gonna take more than a couple of wishes to the fat guy in the sleigh. You've got to be taking a more proactive stance on this. What can you do to improve your chances, you ask? The list goes on and on, my friend. Hit the gym, tone that ass, work on them kegels, and learn to be vocal above all else. I'm not saying you need to get all dominatrix, but a few sexy suggestions are all he or she needs to get the right moves. And if you're not sure what it is that you're craving, then I suggest you just wish for some porn for Christmas instead. You know, to get the jui…err…ideas, um, flowing.

Toys

Pervert.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007