Stamped: January 4th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: horospoke™.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, this will be the year of ultimate adventure for you. That trip to the mountains? Fantasizing about a foursome? Whatever your particular urgings have been last year, 2007 is all about doing and not thinking. In other words, it's going to be a return to normalcy in a sense. You may not notice it now, but 2006 was kind of lame by your standards. And if you don't believe me, let's make a date to meet back here in exactly one year. Your stories and reflections of the past twelve months will invariably begin with "You'll never believe this, but…" or "Oh man, and then this one night…", etc. You'll be earning bragging rights here very shortly, so you best brace yourself.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

My bulls have to be cautious this year. Your inclination toward jealousy and rigidity could have some devastating consequences in 2007. Thus far, you've been able to keep these traits at bay enough not to alienate those that you love. But I'm foreseeing some very trying times for you towards the middle of the year. Here's the bottom line: don't be a selfish bastard. Seriously. You kind of have been lately, and no one has been courageous enough to inform you of this. There is some good news though. If you take this opportunity as it presents itself, you'll have one of the best years of your natural born life. You know, as opposed to the best of your unnaturally born life. And that year was pretty fucking solid.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Twins, as I'm sure you may have noticed, you experienced a bit of a surge in your productivity as 2006 dwindles down. Last year, you'd plateaued so unceremoniously that your energy actually took the form of inspiration and assertion rather than mindless dribble. (Let's face it.) The important thing is that you maintain your focus on worthwhile projects. Your charm and, well, charm, will always keep you afloat, but let's make sure that you're adrift in the ocean and not some quagmire. Self-awareness, my friend, is what 2007 is all about. Don't let your nerves–or tendency to fall into other peoples' beds, naked–get in your way. Stay the course. Or something.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

2007 is going to be a banner year for the Cancer cluster. I normally rag on you people for being too touchy-feely and all sensitive and shit. Of course, I usually have reason (however fabricated) for such criticisms! This go-around, I'm sensing that your intuitions will vastly overshadow your abandonment complex. So let's turn off the Moonlight Sonata soundtrack that has been clouding your judgement in 2006. Got it? Ok, now listen closely because this does not happen often. I'm about to give you the Jenna pep-talk: You are a strong, kickass, foul-mouthed (go with it) motherfucker (not in the literal sense…I mean, unless you are in fact, dating or married to a mother. But this is a metaphor, asshole.). Choke down your tears as often as you can this year. I promise it will help you accomplish more than you ever thought possible. Or, you know, just increase your unresolved issues, thereby leading to a rise in your therapy costs. But I'm no financial analyst.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Leo, you're another one that I've been rough on over the ages. So, here's the thing…your positive traits will rule the skies in 2007. Of course, that's got to be a good thing, but, naturally, there's a downside too. Warmhearted optimism is typically kept at bay by your overbearing ways, but I have a feeling that you're going to leave your guard down at a critical time. Here's the real kicker though…no matter what you do, this is going to happen. You will be crushed, jaded, taken advantage of in all the wrong ways, etc. But but but! I promise that undergoing this humiliating experience will leave you feeling refreshed. I swear. I mean, giving further details would simply be messing with fate, and though I am close to perfection, I'm no God. Just go with me on this one. Touchy-feely looks good on you!

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Now, my Virgos out there are going to have the most eventful year by far. In every facet of your life, you'll be experiencing some sort of change, mostly in a good way. Career? Check. Love life? Check. Financial bid-nass? Check. So, because you'll be having such a grand ol' time this year, you need to make sure that you keep all skepticism and worrying at bay. With such strong forces in your world in 2007, worrying about these changes will be as smart as using an umbrella in the midst of a hurricane. You'll still be drenched and now your Nautica rain-gear ensemble is missing the most important piece. And wouldn't that just be such a sonofabitch.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra, this could be a make-or-break you kind of year. You're going to be floating about in some new circles and meeting lots of new folks. Whether socially or for business purposes, it would behoove you (that's right, I said it) to make a lasting impression on these boys and girls. My caveat for you is that these people are different. You'll likely think them as stuffy or arrogant, but hold off on any final judgements until you've seen them drunk at least 5 or 6 times. There's going to be more there than meets the eye. And in your case, if you don't withhold your criticisms, you're going to be made out to possess the asshole qualities that you'd pegged them to have.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Sometimes as an astrologer you have to be the bearer of bad news. When I heard recently that there was a black hole in Uranus I didn't want to believe it. I bet you're wondering what this all means for you, well we'll need to examine this. The thing with black holes is that they're tricky little fuckers, kind of like "opposite day" and a flushing toilet south of the equator. So everything you try to accomplish will ultimately fall apart, or turn to shit so to speak, and spiral downward in the wrong direction. If you can somehow keep yourself under the radar you may come out unscathed but I make no guarantees. Oh, and Venus is lazy in your sign so your love life will suck too.

Saggitarius (November 22-December 21)

Sag, you're such an optimist and this year it's finally paying off (unlike years past when you received glares every time you belted out your rendition of… Be Optimistic, but perhaps it had something to with the curls in your hair and the stupid good ship lollipop looking dress you always wore.) Looks like you're getting what we astrologers like to call the Stellar Trifecta. This means you'll be lucky with love, money AND health. Goddamn! But be careful with all this good luck because there's sure to be some envious folks out there, especially Scorpios, so keep it all under wraps then at the next NYE celebration you can gloat like a fat pig.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

What's up Cappy? Looks like this year has already started out with a bang (did you get laid at the New Years Eve party?). But this little high you've been on is fleeting. Come Valentine's Day your holiday fling will become more like a burden and you'll long for the days you spent Valentine's alone eating ice cream or in a sports bar. Then once you finally rid yourself of your attachments you'll long to be back in their arms again. Ah, my dear, don't you know you can't have it all? In fact this looks to be like your year of regrets, you'll regret every single decision you make, you'll regret not making decisions. Rock and a hard place…sound familiar? My best suggestion is to hire a personal advisor to follow you around to make your decisions for you (my rates are reasonable).

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Phew, you must be tired! Worn out from the holidays? Well, you need some rest, pronto, or you'll drive yourself into the ground and you need your energy this year. If you're single you'll need to gear up for all dating you'll be doing, crazy-mad dating, commando dating, I tell you. But don't get your fatigues on just yet cause you'll first need to get over your pickiness when it comes to choosing partners. You know what I'm talking about. So she's got a wooden leg, so what? He's your cousin? Get over it. Because if you continue to limit your possibilities you'll not only end this year much like you did last year but you'll be another year older and that just sucks.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

My dear Pisces, you may be a fish but this year you're the dark horse of the astrological landscape. What does that mean exactly? Well, it looks like you'll be given a ton of opportunities this year and your outcome depends on what you do with these opportunities. My best advice would be to accept all invitations, say yes to your boss everyday ten times a day, drop a quarter in every panhandler's cup, and make a lot of impulse purchases. This way you'll make sure you don't get fired from your job, you won't be mugged on the subway, you'll keep getting invitation, and you'll have a ton of stuff that you can ultimately re-gift next Christmas. Whatever you do, don't make a wrong move or it will all fall apart. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007