Stamped: January 22nd, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: around town, dating hijinks, dress up, food, shoes.

I don't think I'd get many arguments if I throw the following generalization onto the table: people watching is one of America's favorite pasttimes.

Whether we actively seek out specimens of fine human existence for visual study or participate on a more casual level, observing fellow mankind in action is basically unavoidable. The fun, as you know, is in assessing such observations as honestly and wittily as possible. Unless, that is, you are one of the few that maintains higher moral ground and does not stoop to such levels that call for mocking our peers on the sly. And if that's the case, I applaud you. Of course, there's probably something very wrong with you, and you certainly shouldn't be reading this site. Ironically, both aforementioned flaws make you a perfect addition to our reader base, so you might as well call your therapist, bump up that appointment, and sit back and browse through the archives.

But I digress.

People watching. Right. It's all about the honestly and humor of the situation. Case in point: my boy and I were enjoying a fancy-schmancy dinner Friday night, something we like to do every few months or so. We even got all dressed up in grown-up clothes. The restaurant had a great view of the Hudson and we caught a glimpse of some flurries beyond the massive windows as we dined. The waitress was young and cute, but not too cute, and she wore one of those aprons that stretches all the way to the floor. I mean, that in itself is enough to tell you you're going to drop a couple of Benjamins by the time the night is through.

Did I digress again?

Ok, so we're eating, right? There were a few other parties enjoying their meal, and we entertained ourselves by eavesdropping on our neighbor's conversation about some young relative with a ticking biological clock. Thankfully, by the time our appetizer arrived, a couple came in and sat behind us. My boy had a perfect view and proceeded with a play-by-play. I poured myself some more wine.

We spent some time giggling at their lack of fine breeding, but that was cut short when my salad arrived and I made a terrible error. After digging around the mesulun mix with my fork, I realized the prepared mouthful would be too large. What's a girl to do? Well, push some of it off, of course….with her finger! Well, not one to miss a beat, my boy chimed in on my behavior, citing it as uncouth, an observation I heard as "you might as well go sit with the degenerates at table 14." Dismayed, I blamed it on the wine and proceeded eating. Now my boy took up his fork and dove into his Caesar salad. As he looked over my shoulder at the degenerates, he suddenly realized that they were doing shots at the table. Shots! At our posh eating establishment! At the table! And he's pretty sure it was tequila! As he formed his lips to share this newsflash, a single crouton found the opening in his mouth and launched itself, with a perfect arched trajectory, onto the table.

I spent several moments laughing the mascara off my face and wiping it onto my white cotton napkin. Then it dawned on me how well WE would serve as a specimen for people-watching. In fact, the degenerates could be laughing about our lack of fine breeding at this very moment! So I began to make a mental tally. Here's what I came up with:

Incident #1

Degenerates: Female degenerate's forearm decorated with tasteless, Disney-inspired tattoos. Her attire for the evening seemed to accentuate them rather than disguise.

Team Jenna: Jenna's new haircut kind of looks like a mullet from certain angles, and her attempts at styling it for the fancy-schmancy dinner failed miserably and possibly served to accentuate, not hide, the feathering.

Winner: DEGENERATES

Incident #2

Degenerates: Male degenerate is dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, possibly and probably picked up as a two-for combo at Wal-Mart or Target. I believe there may have been a size sticker still attached to the back of his thigh.

Team Jenna: Boy arrives at the restaurant looking studly in a suit and no tie, but wearing his distressed Miller High Life ball cap, also purchased as a combo with matching t-shirt at the local Wal-Mart.

Winner: TEAM JENNA

Incident #3

Degenerates: Female degenerate is twice the size, height and width, of her male companion…so much so that Team Jenna deduces its impact on their sex life.

Team Jenna: Jenna, prior to leaving the house, realizes she has very little to wear. She decides upon an out-of-season top paired with too-large slacks and too-short heels, resulting in a look that is quite Romper Room, if you ask her.

Winner: DEGENERATES

Incident #4

Degenerates: Um, did I mention the shots of Tequila?

Team Jenna: When ordering a $43 bottle of wine, Team Jenna misreads the menu and asks for something that does not exist, sennding the waitress and her small impromtu search party on a 20 minute mission impossible in the wine cellar.

Winner: Draw. (Depends on the type of tequila…)

So there you have it. I'm not sure who got the better end of the deal for that evening's people-watching, but my money's on whoever had the best view of both our tables.

PS. Live in NYC?? Don't forget to go watch the sexy ladies of Girlspoke at SMUT, tonight!! (And it's not often that I double up on my end-sentence punctuation.)

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
• bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
• I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
• fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
• No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007