Stamped: January 25th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: intro.

I remember learning during a public speaking course that if you fail to grab the audiences’ attention within the first 30 seconds you’ve lost them. As I began to make this entry I thought about that lesson. That was quickly followed in thought with, "shit, how in the hell does that translate into the internet world without resorting to money shots of yours truly or albino midget porn?" Suppose we have a zippy-do-dah reader who can read this page and half of the front page of the New York Times within 30 seconds? That sort changes the necessary attention getting to oh, I don’t know, about the word “the”. Frankly, that’s too much fucking pressure for me. I’m far better at face to face introductions. Granted, they’re not exactly award winning southern hospitality moments. In fact, there is about a 60/40 chance that I’ll either offend the shit out of someone or make a complete fool of myself (usually the two go hand-in-hand). It’s one of the only things that I do really really well.

At my husbands work Christmas party this past year I made my introduction with a woman in the ladies room by saying, “Please excuse me while I inappropriately fondle my boobs in front of you.” Being in the bible belt I thought for sure this woman might drop jaw, but to my surprise she did not. In what has since become one of my more pleasing public restroom experiences, she laughed and said “I don’t mind, if you don’t” and promptly took my flagrant boob adjustments as the green light to lift her dress and relieve the pantyhose bunching situation happening at her crotch. I’d like to say that I respectively glanced away, but I did not. I figured that a woman who doesn’t mind hoisting her evening gown and subsequently exposing her sugary almond mound to a total stranger doesn’t really mind that stranger looking at it. By all visual accounts she was pantiless (hey, there's that word again). Okay, sure, it wasn’t as arousing as the days when I would lock lips with random women in the restrooms of Panama City’s Club La Vila, but for a married woman hard up for girly action, it was certainly a nice teaser.

Crimony. Nothing screams “crackpot” like making an introduction admitting that I stare at strange pussy in public restrooms if given the opportunity. But alas, that’s what you get from me: you get outdated Middle English words like “alas” and brutal exposure. Then again maybe it doesn’t truly count as an uncouth confession. Sure, it’s not entirely appropriate Sunday dinner conversation, but just because I admit to doing what almost any woman would do if the opportunity presented itself isn’t exactly taboo—especially considering the company I’m in (I’ve been following you girls long enough to know better).
Now, had I started off with the hot dog story it might be an entirely different situation.
Good thing I’m making 2007 a year of moderation.

Pussy gazing intro taboos aside, I am thrilled to become a part of Girl Spoke. I’m not exactly sure what Meme was thinking when she graciously accepted my addition to the sexy and intelligent lot of women here. My guess is that she was half a dozen cosmos into a weekend binge. But who I am to question it? I'll leave that up to the rest of you.
Any one need a cosmo?
JB

Last 5 posts by JB

• Happy Anniversary - June 21st, 2007
• decision 2007: dildo fantasies vs. honesty - June 14th, 2007
• Intermission - June 7th, 2007
• Yoni, up close and personal - May 31st, 2007
• My friend Karma - May 24th, 2007