“I’m sorry… I’m having my euphemism today.”
Stamped: February 1st, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: clogging molly, euphemisms.
I read that line years ago and it still cracks me up. True, I amuse easily, but that’s beside the point.
For the second time in this godforsaken month the crimson tide hath cometh.
I’m on the rag. Aunt Flow is visiting. I’m having my friend.
There internet. You’ve now been fully introduced to my cycle. Phew, I feel so much better now.
Period euphemisms can be surprisingly catchy (I’m in love with “clogging molly” so much that I've given it its own tag). They can also be confusing (“communist in the summer house”) and downright revolting (“massacre at the beef curtain”). Until making this post, however, I’ve never referred to my period as "my friend". Yah, nothing screams friendship like being sucker punched repeatedly in your ovaries while streams of blood flow from your [insert vaginal euphemism of choice]. Good grief. No, she’s no friend. She’s a ravenous bitch.
My curiosity over period euphemisms took hold of me and I spent a good portion of the morning trolling the net for them (no, I actually didn’t have anything better to do). At my age I thought I’d heard them all, but oh no. There are some sick twisted souls out there….and gawd bless ‘em all. Here is one list I found tallying the top ten ode’s to le fleuve rouge:
10. Trolling for Vampires
9. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
8. Feelin’ Menstru-riffic!
7. The Monkey has a nose bleed
6. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
5. Game Day for the Crimson Tide
4. Mudslide in crotch canyon
3. Taking Carrie to the Prom
2. Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
….and finally
1. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
The inner geek in me is rather fond of that last one.
Euphemisms aside for a moment, I have to give a big shout-out to the tampon. Despite your bad rap with the whole toxic shock syndrome brouhaha, I consider you a true period ally. You're effortless, you've got that handy little string and most of all you don't require extensive knowledge of anatomy and physiology. I'm all for the protection of good ol Mother Earth. I even get the desire that many women have to remain au naturale. But I have to be honest, the period cup scares the shit out of me. First of all, in order to use the damn thing you have to be confident in your ability to locate your cervix. Knowledge of your body is a beautiful thing, but there's only so much of me that I care to become acquainted with and as far as I'm concerned the cervix need not be one of them. I pay a gynecologist to do that for me.
Second, if you have even the slightest inclination towards being clumsy there is a definite potential for disaster. The "ew" factor is simply too much for me to handle. And I won't even begin my disapproving spiel of cloth menstrual rags. ::shudders:: So again, tampon, I salute you and your simplistic approach to being a blood blockade.
I realize that my subject matter for this week might be slightly nauseating for male audiences (no doubt, to some of the females, too). For that I would normally apologize, but the insistence a period has on being a bitch, unfortunately, mandates that I don't care. However, I'm not entirely heartless so I'll leave you with one final euphemism guaranteed to end on a high note:
Honey, it’s hummer week!
Last 5 posts by JB
- Happy Anniversary - June 21st, 2007
- decision 2007: dildo fantasies vs. honesty - June 14th, 2007
- Intermission - June 7th, 2007
- Yoni, up close and personal - May 31st, 2007
- My friend Karma - May 24th, 2007
Actually, the menstrual cup sits just inside the vaginal opening, rather than up over your cervix (unlike the contraceptive cup/diaphram). It’s held in place by your vaginal muscles and I can vouch for its reliability, having done plenty of workouts (on the treadmill) at the gym and never having leakage - unlike the numerous times I have spilled out with a (Superplus!) tampon in.
The cup looks odd, I agree, and feels strange the first couple of times you insert it, but it really does work and is so easy to use. And it also doesn’t leave (chemically treated) fibers inside you either - unlike tampons.
It’s worth the investment, it really is!
Oh man, I saw that response coming.
There is actually a brand out there (called In-place or Instead, something like that) that does say to place the cup at the cervix. For those cups that do not require such placement I still don’t think I could rely on my vaginal muscles to keep that bad boy in place. I’ve had a couple of kids and too many joyrides on the endowed pony express to trust my kegles. But more power to those who can. Clearly they work to some capacity because women continue to use them, but they’re not for me.
As for the chemically treated tampons, there are several companies that make organic tampons free of bleach and other pollutants. They can be found in most health and wellness stores as well as ordered online. I’ve ordered them from a Texas company a few times and can vouch for their effectiveness.
Call me strange, (actually no, I’m calling YOU strange) but I’ve never heard of these cups? How weird does that sound!! In Australia there appears to be no such option???
Can you direct me to a website that explains them?
Also in Oz, we have a brand called Cottons which are chemical free.
Oh man…those are some good ones. I think I’m gonna like your writing JB.
I came across your site while searching for cat blogs. Omg. You are fucking hilarious. And you’re such a smart ass and I love it. Totally bookmarking you.
Paige, cat blogs? Right. You know there are 2 meanings for pussy, right?
Never heard of these cups in France either, I must say. But don’t bother give me a site I can find them on, they just sound kinda repulsive to me anyway, lmao.
Here’s another expression for you, to be on “your Draculettes”, how cute, isn’t it !!!