signs your relationship is tweaked, a glossary of terms & phrases
Stamped: February 19th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: cry for help, hot sex, lists, relationships, unfunny.
Are you feeling the strain of a relationship that's tweaked to the max? Or maybe you need help deciphering signals from your companion to assess your tension level. Whatever the case may be, here are some handy translations for you and your (soon-to-be-ex) companion! From your smart-ass friends here at Girlspoke…always here to help…find examples of phrases recently uttered from the mouth of the beast and get their accurate translations:
Better half says: I'm going for a drive
He/She really means:
Basically, I'd rather do all of the following (happily!) than be in the presence of you:
1. Pay about 58 cents a minute, just to drive around aimlessly in my inefficient SUV that likely has an oil leak.
2. Possibly participate in the funding of terrorists. (Everything's connected these days!)
3. Flip off Al Gore and the ozone layer.
4. Enter into the arena where my odds of death are about 1 in 15,000. Yeah, I'll take that bet, sir.
5. End up at a seedy bar surrounded by peanut shells and stale alcoholics that likely started their pathetic journies when they left the house "for a drive" about 15 years ago.
Better half says: Do you think you could start [enter suggested behavior modification here]?
He/She really means:
I'm now realizing that you're not the person of my dreams. However, I've invested too much time into this gig, so I'll commence my transformation of you at this point. I've been putting up with your hairballs in the shower for like a fucking year, and it's so damn gross that I can no longer stand the sound of you breathing. So, yeah, if you could work on that, it'd be great! Mwah!
Better half says: What?!
He/She really means:
Well, this isn't one of your run-of-the-mill inquisitions. This what is a loaded question, and you could hear it the moment it was uttered. In fact, maybe you heard it for several moments, as this what seems to take on several sylables. And these sylables are all pointing the finger at you. In fact, this what is more of an accusation for being the stupid, worthless, unmotivated, unorganized, waste of space that let him/herself go months ago, isn't it? In fact, your mate is essentially telling you to shut the fuck up, and fast, because if there weren't that glimmer of hope remaining in your puffy eyes, your sense-lacking ass would have been dropped weeks ago.
Better half says: We could really use a vacation.
He/She really means:
I've kind of forgotten why I like you. Maybe some time in a tropical location may trigger this back to memory. That, or lots of rum. Or maybe seeing other people in bathing suits. Either way I figure I'll know if you're worth keeping around. It's worth the several grand just to put this one to bed.
Better half says: You know what….just!….forget it!
He/She really means:
Fuck you!
This is a good sign though, because the restraint is still present. In fact, none of these red flags should worry you too much. Nothing's a done deal just yet. But maybe you want to firm up those thighs before your judgement-day vacation, eh? At the very least, always remember: it's ok to cry, as long as you end up laughing. (Or fucking.)
Last 5 posts by Jenna
- peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
- bringing sexy back - May 28th, 2007
- I'm no James Woods - May 21st, 2007
- fellow commuters: grunt! - May 14th, 2007
- No, no I don't. - May 7th, 2007
Hey Jenna–
What does it mean when a woman says “You’re a pervert and a scumbag and I never want to see you again and if I do my lawyer’s gonna get a restraining order against you so fast it’ll make your head spin. Now put your pants on and get out of my life, you maggot.”
And, if she says this on a first date, like after the first 20 minutes or so, does that change the significance of it. I think she kind of likes me, and this is just a cute way of denial, playing coy, or whatever. But, there could be some hidden meaning that I’m just not getting because I’m a guy.
And, I’d also like to know…
Oh wait, someone’s at the door. Back later.
Back again. That was the sheriff. He handed me some paperwork. Its from her, I think. Boy, she must really like me. Wants to meet me at the court house for some kind of hearing.
Oh, I see she misinterpreted some of my comments on our date. When I told her I had our cemetery plots already picked out, I didn’t mean that we were going to use them anytime soon. I just wanted her to know I was a stand up kind of guy who was thinking about our future.
There’s so many ways of interpreting things. What do women want?
so the time she pummeled me in the middle of 72/bway while we were both on skates, sending us both down in traffic, was kind of like a non-verbal indicator, right?
jr
Answers to these questions & more in my next installment: Signs Your Relationship is Bound for a Murder/Suicide, a Legal Guide