Stamped: March 23rd, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: sponsored post.

Ok, so we've all done the online thing. And don't lie and say you haven't, because you know you've got that secret Match.com account…you know…just for browsing the pictures.

Now, while I don't necessarily think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out the smart way of dating online, you should probably be relatively intelligent before you start up a website. Enter Online Dating Tips dot org. Oh, that's right. Dot ORG. As in, it's a philanthropic entity that's here to make the world a better place. Sadly, there aren't rocket scientists running this site, because after I wrapped my brain around the dot org thing, my eye spied a misspelling on the site's major advertisement. Match.com is now Math.com…like sex candy for geeks who are into pi and shit.

So, we haven't gotten off properly well, have we? But I keep reading…(I can try to be open minded at times)

I am compelled when I see the headline "Getting Started" and click on the first link: "Best Dating Websites" And while I won't continue to nit-pick, there was yet another typo in the very first paragraph. But moving forward…They listed a bunch of sites that they claim are great. And after wondering momentarily why JDate wasn't mentioned (I've heard of more marriages from that site than anywhere else) I finally saw something I liked. The philanthropists start talking about creating your online profile and suggest that the most important thing is honesty:

Also, there are many review and comparison sites out there, just like this one. Each of these online dating services has amazing features and hundreds of singles all looking for the same thing – a connection. Just remember that the key to developing a good, healthy relationship at any level is honesty. You want to present yourself as someone with integrity who is interested in learning about other people.

Halle-freaking-lujah. I mean, seriously, Online Dating Tips may be better off dedicating their entire site to just this aspect of online dating. If we could actually get people to start presenting themselves truthfully online, the world *would* be a better place and Online Dating Tips *would* qualify for it's Dot Org status. I mean, the whole passing of oneself as a spring chicken to have irresponsible and carefree dialogue with people they'd normally never approach is, essentially, half of what's wrong with the world today. Right, slightly dramatic, I know, but I'm sure you're inclined to nod your head in agreement.

But I digress…this site slightly redeemed itself, but I wanted to find some juicy morsel that would either turn this into a glorious review of true Dot Org-ers (ogres?) or an abysmal trashing of some internets retards (a category in which I graciously fall from time to time).

Then…then, I found it…

There's a section of the site that provides tips (duh) on how to flirt. Online style. Dear God. I'm not sure if I feel worse for the people that had to spell this shit out, or for those who actually need such spellings. It started with this chart:

…which I really can't bring myself to discuss. No reply necessary? There's just so much wrong there. I'm picturing old ladies hunting & pecking at their keyboards with little mischievous smiles. *shudder* But it gets better…

Another way to flirt is by hinting at something interesting without actually giving away too much information. Perhaps you could say something like, "After this last weekend, I had to buy a new pair of shoes." Your comment leaves much to the imagination, drawing the person into the conversation and interested in learning what you did over the weekend that required the new shoes.

New shoes? Did you fucking piss yourself? Puke on them? Step in a massive mound of elephant shit? I mean, any of the plausible reasons for needing new shoes don't sound too appealing to me…

I kind of had to stop there. Bottom line? If you need tips on dating online, you probably shouldn't be dating, online or otherwise. And if you do seek such advice, try not to get it from an online source that's just as apt as yourself.

*This shit was paid for, bitches. I make 'em as entertaining as possible. Join in the fun by continuing the floggings in the comments section! I'll even have a go on the dunk-tank plank!

Last 5 posts by Jenna

• peace out, my lovlies - June 8th, 2007
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