Stamped: April 16th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: children, family, get rich quick schemes, mom.

A while back I wrote about divorcing my mother. Well, I've softened a bit with the passing of several months and I've got this new idea brewing. And I'm sharing it with you today because, well, because I think it's brilliant.

You see, our parents and aunts and uncles and grand-relatives are all getting up there at this point, right? And, as much as we hate them, we're not quite to the point of bringing them serious physical harm. What I'm proposing today is the solution. The happy medium between moving Dear Old Mom and Dear Old Dad into the basement or gently nudging the pair as they happen to stand precariously close to a flight of stairs.

Behold the Family Home. I know. But it's a working title. The proof is in the following pudding. What we do is gather all of the unwanted, aging family members into one central location. No money for a new home? No problem! You get all but one of them to sell of theirs (with threats of Well it's either this or a Nursing Home!) and become the "trustee" of their collective pocket books.

Ok. So now that we've got everyone in one place, what to do with them? In my experience, each odd relative seems to have a "thing" if you know what I mean. Let this lead you. Each one's "thing" can be his or her role in the household. Kind of like Big Brother, with arts and crafts. Still confused? Let me give you the following set up for my own Family Home:

The Mother(s): Arts & Crafts.

Regardless of the exact trait that makes them particularly impossible to share breathing room with, a mother is inherently drawn to crafty shit. Kind of like most men to hard rock music. It's Biology or some shit. Keep the moms busy with keeping everyone else busy and that's half the journey, my friends.

The Grandfather(s): Theology & Storytelling.

Does this really need an explanation? These guys could just tell each other (or another feeble minded individual) the same damn story about WW2 thrice daily after a meal and that takes care of that.

Odd Cousin(s): Pets.

If you don't really care about the pets that much, that is. But whatever. You don't have to think about it. That's why they're in their own little community. If you wanted to be moral, you wouldn't be reading into The Family Home, would you?

Annoying Sibling(s): Food & Spirits.

With this one, I kind of see it this way: either they would love the job or hate it. If they love it, good. If they hate it, it gives them something to bitch about, which is what they really want anyway. So regardless of their job description, they'd probably have the most complaining to do out of all these categories, so why even try to hard to please?

Unwell Uncle(s): General Upkeep & Repairs.

With like, appliances and stuff. Let's not talk about it.

Miscellaneous Children/Additional Baggage: Housecleaning.

Those little buggers are pretty resilient anyway. Plus, the snot-nosed brats could use a little manual labor.

Voilà, people. Throw in a car and maybe a monthly allowance and you've got yourself a self-contained community. Kind of like one of those cool little self-contained ecosystems that you can buy at Sharper Image. But cheaper. Actually, monumentally cheaper because you now have all their money. Though, persuading some of the more able-bodied relatives may be tricky. (Read: this may or may not require some black market roofies or something. You know, as opposed to the legal ones. So you'll have to figure that into your budget.)

Last 5 posts by Jenna

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