Losing My Religion
Stamped: April 24th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
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I stopped believing in God when I was 8. I never told my family. I still went to church and Sunday School every week. Where I come from Jesus is pretty much the only option. Church is a big part of life. Religion is the backbone of my family's social being.
I had personally always hated going to church. I was really jealous of all my white friends. Either they didn't go to church at all or their services only lasted for an hour and then they all got to go on ski trips. I spent the majority of Sunday worshiping Christ. Sunday School from 10 to 11, church from 11 to 2, after church festivities from 2-5. I spent most of this time playing Hangman and tic-tac-toe with my brother on the backs of various church programs and swapping him red and purple Skittles for pink Starbursts which we would then wrap in sticks of Cinnaburst gum for an amazing taste sensation. I knew that Jesus was supposedly the answer to everything and that I was probably definitely going to hell because I always forgetting to say my prayers at night and during the preacher's sermon I doodled my name alongside the last names of my favorite celebrities and imagined my future charmed life as Mrs. Jonathan Brandeis or Mrs. Eddie Furlong.
So I didn't have the strongest foundation in the Lord, to start with.
When I was in the third grade I was obsessed with New Kids On The Block. I had all of their unauthorized biographies, I could recite their birthdays and their fav foods. Joey McIntyre was the man of my dreams. My eight year old heart yearned for him. I decided that then was as good a time as any to start praying. I wanted Joey and I wanted God to help me get him. So every night I got on my knees and prayed that the New Kids' tour bus would break down near my house and they would have to stay with my family for the night. Joey would have to sleep naturally. And just as a joke and because I'm so cute his bandmates would sneak in while we were sleeping and put us in a what I liked to term a "French kissing position." I was never sure on the specifics of this but basically, Joey Mac and I would have to French kiss in order to get out of this wonderful position.
I prayed for this every night and at the end of the prayer I would throw in "Please bless everyone in the world," just for kicks.
Well folks, that tour bus never even came close to my town. And I did meet Joey McIntyre but I was 24 and drunk at a club in the Meatpacking District with a date when it happened.
Eventually I stopped praying about it and became even more not fond of church. I was always such a good girl, I didn't understand why God wasn't listening. I never talked back to my parents, I was friends with some of the uglier kids at school, I made good grades, and I smiled a lot. I'd even started praying. My preacher always said put your trust in Jesus and he'll provide, he'll make a way. Well I did pray. And Joey McIntyre did not come my way.
So I became a closet Atheist in third grade. My mom has always been religious but recently she has rediscovered Jesus with a vengeance. My dad never went to church but did always threaten that we would convert to being Jehovah's Witnesses because they don't celebrate holidays.
I do however have to go to church this Sunday. A couple of days ago I had about $6000 worth of checks in my purse that I had to deposit for my job at my job's bank. I went out for a drunken night on the town and in the cab at 2am to a friend's house, I remembered about the checks. They weren't in my purse. I'd gone home before going out and tried to tell myself that they must still be at my apartment. I slept over at my friend's because I was too drunk to make it back to the east side. I woke up and started for my apartment at 7:00 the next morning. I prayed the whole way and listened to gospel on my iPod. God if you let those checks be at my apartment I will not make fun of Jesus for two months and I will go to church this Sunday. I promise, I promise.
I walked into my apartment and the checks were on the floor by the door. They'd fallen out of my purse before I walked out the door the night before.
So I have to find a church on Sunday.
Last 5 posts by Brandy
- Hell House - November 9th, 2007
- 36 going on 11 - October 9th, 2007
- College was a good time. - September 25th, 2007
- I'm the easiet girl ever to break up with - September 18th, 2007
- Christmas Lights - August 28th, 2007
Awww. I’ve been thinking about my theology, which after many years of being very agnostic, I finally said to myself “okay, well, this isn’t working, I haven’t made any decisions, what happens if I leap towards belief and see how I feel on that side of this fence.” First of all, the anxiety went away. Second, I started feeling better by giving thanks both in prayer and in recognizing and sharing what I had in abundance. Third, and there is a country song that sums this up nicely “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”…a guy goes to his class reunion and sees the girl he wanted in high school was not as great as the wife he later found. As awesome as the NKOTB are, I don’t think I’d be as happy with Jordan as I thought I would be when I was a kid. Although I wonder about the NKOTB who were definitely boys of faith (remember the Knight’s dad was an Episcopalian minister? Divorced and remarried, but a minister) and definitely had a lot of girls praying for their love. I’ve become more interested in the Catholic Peace Movement (http://www.paxchristiusa.org/index.asp) and other social justice programs churches are involved in. Oh, and I realized recently, when someone says “God Bless You” I no longer feel angry, but a little brave to return the blessing and make this wierd world a little nicer. Anyway, peace to you. I’ve been writing a NKOTB blog which is how I came across your post, and I try to incorporate a larger vision of how my NKOTB obsession fits in with the rest of what is going on in the world. Check it out if you like. I do a weekly (ish) roundup of NKOTB blog mentions and news stories and will link back to yours.