Stamped: April 26th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
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I’m a really good chameleon.
I can play the part of a well-mannered woman from the right side of the tracks speaking eloquently and with decorum just as effortlessly as I can play a foul mouthed beer guzzlin' white trash mamacita. I consider it a gift.

The truth is, I relate more to the latter (although I will ferociously deny any claims to being white trash). I love art, cosmo's, and just about everything in the summer Pier 1 catalog. I've traveled the world, been on a yacht and come from a long line of doctors and surgeons. Okay, yes, as a kid I did live in a mustard yellow single-wide trailer. BUT, that was only because my parents were planning on building a home on the same property and it was the most economical choice. And yes, I did give my first blowjob in a barn. BUT…well, crap. I don't actually have an excusable explanation for that one. It's also true that my first wedding embodied all the elements of one very tasteful white trash wedding. However, my family was typical middle of the road middle-class. During the second half of my freshman year of high school I moved in with my dad who lived in a fairly affluent suburb outside of Houston and it wasn't uncommon to see beamers or Saab's in the school's student parking lot. I happened to drive a 1983 Ford Escort, but still, money was there. But I never bonded with those with money. They were more judgmental, more stuck-up and definitely more likely to be assholes. I preferred the more laid back easy going chill of those who listened to Metallica and could care less about designer threads. I still do matter of fact.

Most of my family is drawn to snobbery. My mom, although not wealthy, always bought expensive clothing and cosmetics and hand bags. She's friends with people who are well off and as such she's adopted a lot of that lifestyle mentality. When she and I went to NYC a few years back I wanted to stay in Greenwich Village, but she wanted to stay in one of the more luxurious hotels near 5th Avenue. Since the trip was on her dime we stayed at the Helmsely Park Lane. Hmph. While there I dressed the part of a pseudo-classy tourist but I stayed true to my deep southern trashy side when I had a shouting match with a bitch in a cab. My mother was mortified. My foul-mouthed antics, love for tattoos and lack of want for all things posh and glam continues to confound her to this day. She thinks she raised me better than that. HA!

But I do have my standards. Although I am more found of the casual attitudes of the white trash nation I draw the line at missing teeth, redneck speech, country music, wearing jammies and/or slippers to Wal-Mart and making out with your mom for Larry the Cable Guy tickets (be forewarned, watching this clip could cause sporadic vomiting).

Holy mother of all that is evil and wrong in the world. WHY? More importantly, HOW in the hell could someone stoop to such a disgusting atrocity at all, let alone for $20 tickets to some stupid hillbilly jack-ass comedian? Dear god. Not even for a million dollars would I tongue my mother. Some would say it's just tongue, there's no meaning it, no big deal. And those would be the same people who love Larry the Cable Guy, Nascar and mud boggin'. And all of Alabama, of course.

On behalf of the southern portion of these great United States I want the world to know that we're not all white trash, even though some of us have dabbled in white trash behavior. My hand-to-god (assuming I actually believed in a god) the vast majority of us would never ever in a billion katrillion years make-out with our moms.
Our cousins maybe, but never our moms.

Last 5 posts by JB

• Happy Anniversary - June 21st, 2007
• decision 2007: dildo fantasies vs. honesty - June 14th, 2007
• Intermission - June 7th, 2007
• Yoni, up close and personal - May 31st, 2007
• My friend Karma - May 24th, 2007