Stamped: April 27th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: advertising, being single, body parts, dress up.

I got an email not too long ago from the folks at Bristol 6. They wanted to know if I may want to try their product Nippies. I said, "Sure!" Essentially these are pasties for the new era of nip-slip celebs. Cute, fun, and stylish. Don't let your nipples slip out, let your Nippies! (I should totally do marketing for these people.)

So they sent me some samples in the mail and I brought them into work (of course, wouldn't you do the same thing?). After looking at these things I knew the best use they'd get from me would be trying them on and dancing in front of the mirror, letting my boob fall out and saying things like, "Oops, one of the ladies got out of line," or "What are you looking at bitch, jealous?" In a British accent, of course.

Instead I gave them to my coworker who happens to be in a relationship and therefore would have the opportunity for interaction with another person. My own personal guinea pig. So she took them home and had her girlfriend test them out. She wrote me the following email (I hope she's not litigious.)

"I've always been suspicious of pasties, as they tend to evoke an image of a cheap late-night stripper shimmying down a pole - you know, the kind that can get tassels to twirl in different directions? This is not an image that was contradicted by the set of star-shaped, sequined gold pasties I was handed by a coworker yesterday. All the same, my girlfriend has been complaining about how her nipple piercing shows through some of her work shirts, so I thought "what the hell, I'll bring them home for her to try." As usual, she thought the idea was fun (she's pretty much up for anything ridiculous). She was so excited by the stupid things, in fact, that she put them on as soon as we got home - running into the kitchen and flashing me her boobs. The gold stars covering each nipple only confirmed what I've always known - the broad has great tits. What're ya gonna do? Anyway, she said they were surprisingly comfortable, and I thought we had a pasty-convert on our hands. Over the course of the next several hours, she even forgot she had them on. I was sold.

Then she tried to take them off.

All I heard for 5 minutes was "Ow. Ow. Ow. OWWW! OW! Motherf@#$er! God Damnit! Bloody pas-OW!!" Watching her peel off the extremely tacky (in both the "sticky" and "classless" senses of the word) pasties off her extremely sensitive nipples was about as much fun as watching someone peel off a band aid that is stuck to a fresh scab. In any case, it turns out that these delightfully naughty little acoutrements are just another decorative item that women wear to please their mates, despite the undeniable pain involved. Like high heels and corsets before them, pasties are unavoidably uncomfortable. Can you even IMAGINE a man putting a giant sequined band aid on the sensitive skin of his penis just to show off and add a little spice? HELL NO! You'd have to hog-tie one before you got the damn thing on. Anyway, suffice it to say that - while the sticky gold stars are a LOT of fun on the side of the observer - they are not so much fun on the side of the wearer. In a celebrity death match: "Nipples V Pasties", pasties would win every time."

Yikes, sorry ladies.

The folks at Bristol 6 also sent me some Stylin' Tape, which you do not affix to your nipple. You actually use it to keep your shirt on. It's double-stick tape that you put on the inside of your plunging neckline and the spot on your chest you want it to stay. I tried these on myself, at home, with a cotton nightie. The neckline wasn't all that plunging but for what it's worth the Stylin Tape worked and there was nobody in sight to witness this feat. Maybe, just maybe, I'll dress at little sluttier this summer now that I have the tools to defy the natural nip-slip we inevitably face when our necklines go down to the belly button.

Last 5 posts by Meme

• Mama don't Preach - May 18th, 2007
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• At Least I'm Cute - April 13th, 2007