Stamped: May 14th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: billy baldwin, just plain stupid.

I’m not sure of the logic behind this, but every morning during rush hour, the bridge I take to cross the Hudson River has the left lane closed. There’s never any construction, no abandoned cars in need of de-terrorization, no jumpers, no nothing. It’s just closed. And like the little monkeys we are, us commuters stay clear of that left lane. because–HELLO!–it says it’s CLOSED on those little signs and there’s even a red X over the lane…like, all the way across the bridge. It’s impossible not to know the left lane is closed.

So, this morning, there’s a Jeep Cherokee in the left lane. I see him, thinking that perhaps he’s just naturally dumb or even young, likely both, and that he’s failed to see the several indicators prohibiting driving in that lane. But after he passes under another sign and another red X, it becomes clear that this sonofabitch is not going to move anywhere. He’s still in the left lane.

But why? Why are you in the left lane?

Quite simply, this made absolutely no sense. No coherent, right-minded individual would be deliberately be driving in the lane that is CLOSED. I had to get to the bottom of this. Convinced that there must be a legally blind grandfather, a 12 year-old freerider, or a newborn iguana at the reins, I increased my speed in order to leer into this idiot’s window. I caught up with him just at the end of the bridge’s span. He wasn’t driving erratically at all, so I prepared my best you’re-a-fucking-moron mixed with none-of-us-are-allowed-in-the-left-lane-so-neither-are-you face and turned my eyes to the left and into this renegade vehicle’s interior.

And I will testify in court that the person I saw behind that wheel was none other than Billy Baldwin.

So, as his slightly more intellectually blessed brother has said in that documentary that’s always playing on the Discovery channel: Let’s face it…we’re all apes.

Amen, Baldwin. Amen.

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