Stamped: May 24th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
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I am not a new-age tree-huggin' peace, love & happiness practitioner. Although..eh hem..I do drive a Volkswagen Beetle. Um, with peace symbol tail light covers. I've also spent a few years of my life as a vegetarian, along with a few months convinced that I was Pagan. Then Buddhist. In fact, I have several books and eight Buddha's in my home and one in the front yard. I love Kahlil Gibran. I regularly buy from UNICEF. I've raised my children on soy milk and veggie dogs. And okay, fine, I'll always regret not joining the Peace Corps. So maybe I do have some tree-huggin' peace, love & happiness tendencies. But I am a southern rock-mama at heart and fully support the death penalty. Therefore, I could never truly fit the hippie, or Buddhist, status quo.

I am, however, a huge believer in Karma.

I first met Her when I was about five years old. My dad had taken me to a company picnic where I befriended another little girl about my age. She seemed nice enough, but when she smiled my world turned upside down with shock & awe. Her lateral incisors (those are the teeth that flank the two front and centers) jutted out almost horizontally to the ground. It was as if I was front and center for my own personal freak show. I distinctly remember grabbing her hand and running her to my dad who, no doubt, in my mind, would also experience shock & awe at this gangly tooth marvel! Instead, I embarrassed the shit out of him. Who knows what sort of childhood trauma I inflicted upon the ill-fated friend, but never fear. I got mine in the end. A year or two later when teeth fell out and teeth grew in, Karma retaliated by bestowing me with a copy-cat mouth full of gangly teeth, including the two horizontal side stickers.
JB-0
Karma-1

A few years later when I stared at a young teenage girl with a face plagued by raging acne you'd think that I would have thought twice about saying something negative. I didn't. It was no shock, then, that my 13 year old skin began to mutate into a pimply mass of blotchy puss-filled mountains.
JB-0
Karma-2

I made fun of a fat girl without realizing she was standing behind me. Years later I ran in to her and she was a slender knock-out. I had gained 10 extra pounds and had a face full of zits.
JB-0
Karma-3

I honestly have hundreds of examples of the ebb and flow of Karma in my life. Most recently I bad mouthed a friends home because it smelled of years worth of stagnant dirt, grime and animal piss. No lie. When the front door opens you are literally greeted with a wall of invisible piss stench. Well, last week, after years of piss-free pet ownership, one of our cats pissed in the guest room. On the $500 futon, of course. And I've done everything short of setting the damn thing ablaze to get the smell out.
Then, last Friday I called the school secretary and told a little white lie. I said that I'd forgotten to set the alarm and the kids would be running late. Really, I just didn't feel like getting up early that morning because we'd been out late the night before. I decided we would wake leisurely and I'd get them to school whenever I damn well pleased. Well, low and behold, lWednesday night I really did forget to set the alarm. I was jolted out of bed at 7:22 yesterday morning with the unmistakable "Shit! Fuck! Damnation! I didn't set the alarm" panic. I had exactly thirteen minutes to get the kids up, dressed, fed and out the door and to their classrooms. Mornings like that, I don't have to remind you, are pure shit.
JB-0
Karma-416

Despite the occasional relapse I have grown into a more spiritual spot with age and experience. I do think about Karma and often make decisions accordingly. Over the course of my life I have, on occasion, made stellar choices and have genuinely practiced random acts of kindness. As such, if I remove those often clouded goggles I can see that my life has been richly compensated for good deeds done.

I won't lie, though. I am still trying to weasel my way into cleverly deceiving Karma with reverse psychology.
Like, I might say to my best pal, "Oh my gawd. Look at that bitch. She is so beautiful and thin. Gross! And that hair!!! How can she walk around with such long luscious locks? I would be so embarrassed."

I'll let you know when that one comes back to me.

Last 5 posts by JB

• Happy Anniversary - June 21st, 2007
• decision 2007: dildo fantasies vs. honesty - June 14th, 2007
• Intermission - June 7th, 2007
• Yoni, up close and personal - May 31st, 2007
• Pirate Poonani - May 17th, 2007