Stamped: June 5th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: No Tags.

Not getting the job you want, not winning the contest you entered. Being denied a credit card, being the last picked for a team. Rejection is a part of life that we can’t live without and its presence shapes so many of our decisions. Think of all the times you didn’t do something because the fear of rejection loomed in the background. And never is this fear more apparent than when dealing with someone that you may or may not have a crush on. I have countless numbers of friends who didn’t talk to this person or didn’t call that person back because they were afraid of being rejected. It’s what separates the boys from the girls at a middle school dance, the men from the women at any city bar on a weekend night. The worst thing you can hear from another person is “I don’t like you.” And that is enough sometimes to keep us from going after those that we want the most.

I like to think that I have almost conquered my own fear of rejection. I am outgoing and confident, I’ve never been the type of girl to wait for the guy to come to me. I’m The Girl Who Calls. This character trait in and of itself has led to the thickening of my skin. So whether it be a job I wanted or a man I loved, I’ve been rejected so many times that now I just go for whatever I want. When you remember that the worst answer is simply “no,” you realize that that’s not so bad, and you can give it a whirl.

As far as men go I have had three major rejections in my life. One at age 13, one at age 20 and one at age 22. As a result of these experiences, I now feel positive that I can and will approach whoever takes my fancy, from the dork at the coffee shop to Justin Timberlake and Patrick Dempsey. I’ve had the worst thrown at me so if “no” is the worst I can expect, bring it on. So yes, I still get nervous right before I decide to approach a man but I just take a deep breath and make it happen because who knows? Maybe this one will work.

Age 13: I was gangly and awkward, too tall and too skinny with glasses to boot. I was obsessed with platform sneakers and David Duchovny. But, most importantly, I was in love. His name was Chris and I had loved him since he fell on me during a fire drill in sixth grade. There were two more days left until the end of our eighth grade year and I decided that it was time to let him know of my feelings. He liked me, at least I thought he liked me. We had gone to the Sweetheart Ball together earlier in the year—I’d gotten up the nerve to ask him and he said yes. He totally liked me. Although I lost countless nights of sleep and hadn’t eaten in three days, I came to school that day prepared. I was going to do it. So I pulled him into a practice room during our sixth period band class and let loose. And out comes, “So, I like you. I mean, I like you like you.” His reply? “You know Brandy, there’s only two days left in the school year. And I . . . well I just don’t want a girlfriend.”

My heart fell into my stomach and it felt like I’d been punched in the face. This little encounter didn’t go to plan at all; this was not how my daydreams ended. Needless to say there were quite a few tears shed but that which doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. Chris and I stayed friends and to this day he is one of my best friends. And as a side note, six years after the aforementioned event I got a phone call from him at my college dorm and it turns out the man I had loved so steadfastly in my prepubescent years was actually a homosexual.

The second rejection that shaped me occurred during my junior year of college. I was 20 years old and living in my first apartment off campus. The current love of my life was named Dan. I first noticed him on move-in day to the dorms my sophomore year. He was standing near the entrance to the dorm and my dad was helping me cart in boxes. I saw him, he saw me. And time stood still (at least in my mind). He was the absolute hottest man I’d ever laid eyes on and it was the closest thing to love at first sight (but in actuality it was lust) that I’ve felt to this day. I made it my mission to befriend him and soon we were not only friends, but also hanging out quite a bit. He called me, I called him. But there was never any physical contact. No kisses or feeling up. I didn’t care though. He was so hot and so funny that I was just happy being in his general vicinity. The two years I crushed on Dan were rife with frustration. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t trying to make a move. I got the first clue at the end of my sophomore year. My roommate and I walked out of the building on our way to tutor some middle school kids and I spotted him walking in. Just as I opened my mouth to say hello, he turned around to the girl standing behind him and pretty much smothered her with a huge tongue kiss. Once again I got that kicked in the stomach feeling and I spent the next week not eating and wondering why I was so unlucky in all aspects of love. One would think that I would have been over Dan after this. But sure enough summer rolled around and he broke up with the girl he broke my heart with when I saw them kissing. Suddenly we were hanging out again and I fell back into a familiar crush. So when did my second major rejection come? At 2am on a school night my junior year.

For some odd reason, I woke up wide awake even though it was only 1:45. I laid in bed for a minute and then heard a car pulling into the driveway of my apartment. A moment later the doorbell rang and I threw on some clothes and ran downstairs. Donovan, one of my best friends from high school and also a fellow student at my college, was standing there.

“Do you want to take a ride?” he asked. “I want to talk to you.”

During the ten minute ride from my apartment to the 24-hour diner downtown, Donovan informed me that he’d just had a lengthy conversation with Dan in which my name had come up and Dan let him know in no uncertain terms that if “something was going to happen between us, it would have by now. I just don’t like her like that.”
I managed not to cry until I got home.

I haven’t seen Dan since graduating from college. But to this day he remains the hottest non-celebrity I’ve ever had a crush on.

My biggest rejection, and perhaps the one that has shaped me most, came from someone that I didn’t just like a lot. It came from someone I loved. Not a crush, not a fling, but a boyfriend. A real live boyfriend who was my first love. I was 21 when Micah and I started dating. He was so much fun and so full of life. We complemented each other well. I didn’t really know him before we started going out and we just kind of fell into dating and it turned into something more.
He broke up with me at the beginning of summer. He had just graduated and I still had a semester to go. He was moving away to Chicago at the end of the summer and we both knew that a break up was inevitable. But when it happened I was completely surprised. He had been acting strangely so I decided to be a total girl and go and “talk to him about it.” I went to his apartment that early summer day expecting to cheer him up. I left distraught and in tears. After saying “I think we ought to break up” he then informed me that I, apparently, “needed someone who could appreciate the fact that I like bright colors and pop music.” While my tastes in color and music by no means define who I am, they are indicative of my personality. I’m a bright person, I like to have fun. He cut me to the core with that comment even more so than the whole “I think we should break up” line. Here was a man who had told me repeatedly that he loved me for me. Yet now he was saying that even the most basic things about me were not was he was looking for.

So we broke up. I stopped eating and lost 30 pounds prompting my friends to watch me like a hawk at every meal. A few months later I started dating someone else. And a few months after that I moved my life to New York City. I survived. When you break up with someone you think that you'll never get through it. You will.

The three rejections I just relived through writing this helped to form my new mantra: Just do it. I know it's also Nike's slogan but it's pretty appropriate. Whatever you’re thinking about, whatever you’re yearning for, a man, a woman, a job, a promotion, a car, a house—just do it. Because if you don’t at least try you’ll never know what could have been. I wouldn’t change the outcome of what happened in my situations even if I could. (Okay—I definitely would have at least MADE OUT with Dan if given another chance.) These guys not liking me didn’t kill me. I’m still here. Yeah, it sucked and I was sad. But I made it through just like scores of other people everywhere everyday. And for every guy that says no, there’s another one who will say yes. For every job you don’t get, there’s another one that you will.

So the next time the fear of rejection rears its ugly head just think: Everything always works out in the end. If it’s not worked out, it’s not the end.

Last 5 posts by Brandy

• Hell House - November 9th, 2007
• 36 going on 11 - October 9th, 2007
• College was a good time. - September 25th, 2007
• I'm the easiet girl ever to break up with - September 18th, 2007
• Christmas Lights - August 28th, 2007