Stamped: July 17th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: angst, lists, new york, relationships, sharing.

Whether you’ve entered into the ominous ‘live-in’ relationship or on what I call ‘the cheater’s live-in relationship’ i.e. the long distance relationship, where you cohabitate during prescheduled visiting hours, you and your significant other will inevitably be forced to partake in some kindergarten-spirited sharing. Since you’re most likely fantasizing about how yummy your significant other will look lathered up in whip cream while packing your suitcase, it’s no real surprise that you usually forget stuff on visits (face creams, razors, cell phone chargers and toothpaste for example, never make it into your bag). Upon arrival, you turn to your partner to supply these missing items. For me, here’s what constitutes Barney-approved sharing versus crossing the line creepy.

Okay to Share:

1. Hairbrushes and Combs: You love each other’s hair; you’re constantly caressing it, smelling it, tugging on it. And what’s the danger? If one of you has lice, you’d have already infested each other by now to the point where your lice families are celebrating the birth of great grandchildren. Communal use of the hairbrush is OK by me.

2. Socks: I’m prefacing this by clarifying that I mean ‘clean socks.’ When packing for conjugal visits, I often focus so much on lingerie and skimpy dresses that practical items like socks get overlooked entirely. When I want to hit up the gym and realize there are critical gaps in my working out wardrobe, my significant other’s oversize socks work just fine.

3. Hairdryer: Who needs to be possessive over a hairdryer? I like guys with longish hair (see definition here) and the practical side of such a preference is that they often need to mechanically dry their thick, manly locks before hurrying off to work in the morning. I’m always happy to sit back and watch this fascinating male grooming ritual. If they use hair products such as gel the entertainment level increases considerably.

4. Beverages: You’re lip-locked twenty percent of your time together anyway – so what’s a little mixed saliva on a straw? Granted, at restaurants or out with other people, it’s not so classy. But when enjoying a slurpie at the beach, I vote share.

5. Sun block: He never carries any and squints in confusion at the concept of ‘a sunburn’ or ‘skin cancer.’ So unless you want a boyfriend that looks like a boiled lobster, I say sharing is the way to go. (On a side note: Has anyone ever seen a man buy sun block, EVER? I’m asking my local Duane Reade employee – I doubt such a purchase has ever occurred.)

6. His Clothes: We love wearing his boxers and oversize t-shirts. They smell like him and unlike our corset-tight tank tops, are so roomy we actually feel comfortable pigging out on the various boy junk food in his fridge. If he can fit into your comfortable clothes…that’s just weird.

7. Sunglasses: A friend of mine has a stolen pair of shades from every man she’s ever dated. It’s like a reduced, one time alimony payment / a fashion scrapbook of past loves. Whenever she puts on a pair we’ll be like, “Oh, love those Armani. They were Alex’s, right?” Besides, dark man glasses only make a woman look more powerful and mysterious.

So now that we’ve explored some of the items that it’s okay for lovers to commune-style share, let’s examine the flip side of the coin.

NOT Okay to Share

1. Toothpaste: Even men who seem harmless and refuse to kill bugs menacingly destroy the life of your toothpaste tube. First off, they throttle the thing instead of politely squeezing from the established corner of your choice. Secondly, they force enough toothpaste out of the tube for an army of dentists and their assistants. They then use a fraction of this amount, and then irritatingly attempt to close the toothpaste lid, which is now flooded in a thick, chunk-like substance stickier than a four-year-olds’ hands. I cringe, shudder, then scream at the sight of such a toothpaste corpse in my bathroom and refuse to touch it without the aid of latex gloves.

2. Toothbrush: The ‘You’re lip-locked twenty percent of your time together anyway’ excuse does NOT apply to toothbrushes as it does to straws. Toothbrushes are a serious oral hygiene tool that have ONE designated user. They promote fresh breath and sanitary behavior. For me, if you’re sharing such a private tool you might as well lick each other’s teeth clean. No thank you.

3. My Favorite Pillow: I’ve made it clear which pillow it is; it’s the absurdly expensive fluffy one I splurged on during a weak moment at Mattress World. I compensate for the whacked amount of money I spent on the thing with unrelenting adoration and emotional dependency for its downy texture. It’s become the adult equivalent of my childhood ‘blankie’ and sleeping doesn’t feel satisfying without it. Sharing is not going to happen.

4. My Delicious Entrée: Let’s joyfully pick at each other’s appetizers and desserts – desserts were created to be shared. But my main course is MINE. I should not be punished for my partner’s inability to choose his own eatable entrée. The fact that I’m smart enough to LISTEN to the waiter’s specials announcement and order accordingly while my significant other is honed in on the football match in the background, doesn’t imply that I should share my delectable main course with the less competent chooser. Take your fork and back off.

5. Expensive Hair Products: Stuff purchased at CVS or Duane Reade is fine for my guy to lather up in. Pantene Pro V, Frieda’s Blonde collection and L’Oreal are all in my shower for him. Take a silver dollar size of product and wash away. Anything salon purchased however, i.e. products with names you can’t pronounce (Biolage, Kerestase, Keihls), products with French on them, and products that are the international-sounding names of gay man (Frederic Fekkai, Ted Gibson, Louis Licari), are OFF limits. Using fist-size glops of these products is the financial equivalent of burning twenty dollar bills with a set of matches. Don’t do it unless you want us to cry.

6. My Bathroom in General: Sharing the bathroom area during visits is understandable and inevitable, especially because let’s face it – who can afford a two bathroom apartment in Manhattan? If pursuing a ‘live-in’ relationship however, I’m overtly certain it would fail if I shared my bathroom area with a man for an extended amount of time. I think separate watering holes are in fact, one of the foundational keys to all successful relationships.

Maybe that’s why so many couples move to Brooklyn …

Last 5 posts by Model Behavior

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