Stamped: September 18th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
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Because I never argue.

I've been away but I'm back now to posting on the regular.

Chances are, if I'm having a break-up conversation with a guy, I already knew it was coming and my biggest priority is getting him off the phone or out of my living room so that I can close that chapter right on up. I listen to him air his list of concerns which usually include, "I think you're so fun, but…" and "I just think that we would be good friends," and almost always I get, "I mean, I think you're really hot but…."

My replies? "Oh yeah?" and "I totally agree," all the while I'm usually doing two or three other things if it's a phone conversation like combing my hair, packing a bowl, and/or trying on my roommate's new lip plumper. Then he says how he can't believe that I'm so understanding and that he hopes we can still be friends. I smile and say, "It's how I roll. Talk to you soon."

And we hang up/he leaves.

I'm always okay after he leaves. For a minute, I might be a little sad, but it's never a "Man I wish he liked me" sad. It's a "I wish we had made out once more before that conversation. It's 11pm on a Sunday, who am I supposed to call now?" kind of sad.

But being okay with it doesn't mean I don't get annoyed and have things that I would like to say but would serve no purpose except to make a new enemy. And if there's one thing I've learned in life, the less enemies a lady makes, the less stress she has in her life.

But I'm not all good and I get pissed just like everyone else and this is what I always want to say during these "I just want to get this out there conversations." So maybe you're a guy I've had this conversation with. Well here's what I didn't say to you but should have.

"What on God's green fucking earth made you think that I wanted you to be my boyfriend? I brought you back to my apartment on the first date–what else could I have in mind besides DEEP DICKING? Did you think that you were special? Did you think you were amazing in bed? Because, pal, I am the reason the sex was so good. Boys like you are a dime a dozen and you just happened to be at the right place at the right time, and I just happen to lower my standards on occasion. Understanding? You think I'm understanding? No, this is not understanding, this is not caring. I am a girl who likes to have a good time. I might see you tonight but rest assured, I was seeing someone else last night and there will be someone to take your place tomorrow. Slut? No–I call it, "I'm a hot 25-year-old and I do what I want." So don't feel special. I am the hottest girl you will ever hook up with but I will always get guys who are hotter than you. So you're not feeling this right now–fabulous. I'm so glad you had the foresight to assume that I wanted something more. Apparently because I have a vagina, I automatically get attached and clingy to whatever dick is currently in it. You want to be friends? Why? Why would I want to be friends when I only started talking to you because I wanted to get you in bed? No, we can't be friends. I thought you were cool but now I see that you're not. After this conversation, I will forget about you.

Good night and good luck. You'll need it with that teeny penis. You should be glad I'm such a nice girl and that I really needed to get laid because otherwise I would have laughed you right out of my bed."

Feels nice to not be so passive aggressive sometimes.

Last 5 posts by Brandy

• Hell House - November 9th, 2007
• 36 going on 11 - October 9th, 2007
• College was a good time. - September 25th, 2007
• Christmas Lights - August 28th, 2007
• Why I am not a middle school speaker - August 22nd, 2007