Hold The Dirty Talk If You Want A Piece Of Me
Stamped: October 9th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: complaint dept., flirting, heebie jeebies, just plain stupid, losing my hard on, online dating, sex talk, shut the fuck up, weirdos, woo me.
I may have covered this one before, but obviously to no avail if I have to mention it again. Just because I write about sex and enjoy a guy who gives good flirt that borders on the naughty does NOT mean that I want a guy talking dirty to me every time we speak—especially before we have had a chance to meet. Seriously, this is not the way to get into my super sexy and oh-so tight jeans!
Picture it; you start chatting with a truly gorgeous man; great eyes, amazing smile and yes, a rock hard body that stands at well over six feet. You chat, he seems intelligent and animated and respectful with just the right amount of sexual energy and confidence, so you agree to meet. Then, in the days leading up to the date, you graduate from online chat to text messaging. The first messages are super sweet: “Hi Baby”, “Hello Sexy”, “Can’t wait for our date”.
Then, sprinkled in amidst some practical messages planning the deets of our date are one or two messages to the effect of: “You’re so sexy baby”, “You make me hard”. This is a little cheesy and quite odd—especially seeing as how this is not really going both ways. I chalk it up to a guy who is really excited and maybe trying to impress me with what he thinks I must want considering the stuff I write. I decide to let it go, send back a polite and funny reply and it seems to do the trick and get things back on a less greasy track.
A couple of days later; during hour two, maybe three at the salon with a crap-load of low-volume peroxide on my embarrassingly dark roots; I hear my phone play the little you-got-a-text-message ditty and welcome the amusement as it beats the month old magazines I’ve been offered. I see it’s a message from him, and while my breath doesn’t quite catch in my throat, nor does my heart skip a beat; I am delighted to hear from him because I am waiting to hear if my new suggested time for our date works for him. Here’s what it said:
“Just tell me when baby… you really turn me on”
Huh? Where did that come from? Guess someone’s feelin’ a little randy this afternoon. So I send back a specific time and simply ask if it works for him. He replies:
“That’s fine…do u have sensitive nipples?”
I laugh nervously and then let my sarcasm take over as I reply in hopes that it comes through in the message and type: "Umm…yeah."
He replies: “I want u”
Obviously, this is weird as he is having a filthy conversation all by himself, so I put the phone down and decide to not reply. Minutes later, I hear the little ditty again and hesitate before checking the new message—I do want to keep liking him of course. The message reads:
“You make me drool”
My reaction: I spew cold coffee from my nostrils as I try to hold in my laughter as I am surrounded by several older ladies getting their hair done. Phone goes flying, coffee spills, and a foil full of blue goop falls to the floor. Clearly, I do not reply.
His next message promises to show me the best time I’ve ever had and the ones that follow are a weak attempt to convince me that he is not just looking for sex. They slowly trickle off after that. And needless to say; I don’t think that we will be meeting after all. I believe that we have mutually decided this without really needing to express it to the other; him because he is starting to realize that ‘sex writer’ does not = ‘easy slut’ and me… well… you read the messages.
It’s so sad that so many men are incapable of getting past the silly notion that they need to be raunchy in order to impress me. Yes, I do love using words as foreplay and yes, I am capable of prose that would make Larry Flynt blush, but this is in no way the best route to take if you wanna get with me—no matter how tall and chiseled you are… or how sexy you look with sweat running down your body or even how hot your tattoos look scribbled over your bulging muscles… *sigh as I wipe sweat from my brow*
Here is a little bit of advice: save the script that seems to be straight from an issue of Swank for the day that we do end up in bed together. Anything before that should be witty, intelligent and natural. And hold the cheese.
Last 5 posts by Adrie
- To Fuck Like A Man - January 17th, 2008
- A Momentary Lapse In Judgement - January 7th, 2008
- Lying To The Girl You Fuck. Fa la la la la - December 21st, 2007
- Piss Off! - December 6th, 2007
- Kiss Me I'm A "Stewardess" - November 5th, 2007
at least you got your hair done.
bummer for him, and you of course. maybe, if you indicated to him to hold the dirtytalk until you met, he’d have reeled things in a bit, and you could have seen if it was worth a second date. although, there are many ways to get one’s point across without resorting to ‘r u wet?’
jr
that’s hilarious.
men..they don’t understand the notion of intelligent sex
Uuuugh his dirty talked suck butt anyway!!!
It just totally blows my mind when men will pass up a chance at some *actual* sex just so they can try to get their rocks off with dirty texts, IMs, or whatever. If he’s so self-absorbed that he can’t even realize he’s basically having cybersex with himself, he probably sucks in bed anyway.
I would chalk it up to insecure guy not able to handle a woman who is confident enough in her own sexuality to write about, talk about it in CERTAIN forums, but not have to be a slut at the same time. Basically for him you have to be a Saint-like virgin so he is in complete control in the sex department, or he flies off the handle like a 13 year old having their first encounter with porn and not being able to control themselves, and if that’s the case he would get one look at you on your first date and being so inexperienced (as his ridiculous texts show) with sex he would cum right there and then and wouldn’t be worth your time anyway.
While i feel bad for you that your date never did pan out, it sort of brings a smile to my face that the tall, handsome, chiseled hunk got shot down!! Sorry! I’m evil, i know.lol.
Great post.
It reinforces a point that I have been trying to make to men for as long as I can remember. It all boils down to how men and women choose potential mates and the difference in attraction:
1. A man who is attracted to a female who has that “hard body” and looks doesn’t care what comes out of her mouth when she speaks. It is 80% looks (sex) and 20% survival. In general, a guy will sleep with a crazy woman, if she has the looks.
2. A woman who is *initially* attracted to a male who has that “hard body” and looks will lose attraction for him instantly when he opens his mouth and says something stupid. For a woman it is 20% looks (sex) and 80% survival. In general, a woman won’t sleep with a crazy man no matter how attractive he is.
It is basic survival skills working their magic on the human race. The bottom line: women are much more selective and do (almost) all of the choosing. Men do (almost) all of the approaching and are very selective at all.