Things I Can’t Say
Stamped: October 12th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: casual sex, confession of the week, cry for help, cuckold, grey relationships, heartbreak, hot sex, nsa sex, oral, sex talk, the bedroom, what the...?™.
There are things that you struggle with that you keep to yourself forever, whether in fear of being judged or simply because you know that saying them will simply have no impact and may only make you seem ridiculous… or in this case certifiable.
I have always been one to write about my feelings or share them with a few close friends, though as of late; with the world wide web as well.
I wrote this "letter" a little while back and toyed with the idea of sending it to the person in question and then came to my senses and tucked it away.
This is probably one of those things that I should keep to myself… mainly because it's just a bunch of confused thoughts and feelings that will mean nothing to anyone except the person they are about, but in the off chance that someone else has been this messed up over their feelings for someone or that maybe someone — anyone — could shed some light on this matter; I have decided to post this.
God help me.
Dear object of my confusion:
When you walk in and you kiss me, it really does feel as if the entire world melts away from around us. I know that no words will ever really be able to express it properly, but from the moment that you touch me, it’s as if my body and mind aren’t even my own anymore. I guess they’re yours.
When your lips are against mine or when I have you in my mouth; I even forget that I exist because all I can see, feel or think of is you. And when you’re inside me? My God. I can actually feel how desperately I don’t want it to end. It feels so incredible to have you inside of me, yet even when you’re as deep inside of me as you can be; it’s somehow not quite close enough and I find myself clinging to every savory slide of you, hoping to keep you in me as long as possible and somehow draw you in even closer, though physically; there is nowhere left to go.
When you make my body explode, my head always goes fuzzy and I actually see stars. So cliché, but true; you make me feel things I never thought possible.
Then we lay around talking and I feel as if I could listen to you forever — even if it doesn’t quite seem that way when my hand wanders down and begins to play with you some more —often times distracting you from your point.
Sounds kinda’ like I’m in love doesn’t it? I know that can’t really be though. Not just that you and I can’t really be, but that it can’t possibly be love when we have nothing outside of our sex.
We sat and talked over lunch and some more over coffee and I was torn by what I felt—or rather didn’t feel. I felt nothing. There were no butterflies. No wishing that you would stay. No magic. Just nothing to the point of numbness. While I listened to your every word and enjoyed our conversation; in my mind and my heart there was what I could only describe as a faint, insignificant buzzing like one would hear when alone in a kitchen with a humming fridge. This is what has me perplexed, saddened and elated all at once, thus equaling said confusion.
How is it possible to feel so much for someone when you are touching that you actually wish that everything else would literally disappear so that you could stay in that bliss forever — only to feel complete and utter numbness the moment you stop making skin-on-skin contact? I know what good sex is. I know what it’s like to just want someone because they make you feel good in bed and have no interest in them otherwise. This is not the same.
You have said and done things that have made my feelings for you at times border on loathing and disgust. You have upset me more in a matter of months than anyone has been able to in my lifetime. There are things in you that in someone else would have made me run as far away as I could. Come to think of it, I have run away from men for less valid reasons in the past. Yet, months later, here I am still.
How can this be? Why does it happen? How can I loathe so much about you at times and feel so indifferent when you are sitting across from me, yet actually long for you when you are so close that we are touching. It’s in those moments that I feel like I could save you. Yes, très cheesy, but just like in your favorite song; I feel as if I can somehow help you get away from that part of yourself that seems to have you on a constant and undying quest to find God knows what. I believe that I could make you perfect — or at least your true idea of perfect so that you don’t feel like you need anyone else (so many others). What the Hell is wrong with me?? I have this pathetic longing to make you happy and please you in a way that I don’t believe anyone else could and then in the same instance, when you say something cold or like that day that we were just talking and not touching; I just go numb. What the fuck?
Last 5 posts by Adrie
- To Fuck Like A Man - January 17th, 2008
- A Momentary Lapse In Judgement - January 7th, 2008
- Lying To The Girl You Fuck. Fa la la la la - December 21st, 2007
- Piss Off! - December 6th, 2007
- Kiss Me I'm A "Stewardess" - November 5th, 2007
looks like you two are destined to wed each other. eventually, the incredible sex will only offer feeling of numbness as well.
Knowing you personally makes it easy for me to agree with you when you say that it’s not love cos’ we both know very well that you have the commitment phobia probably even worse than any man could!
I’ve also personally seen the line up of guys that you have to choose from and know that one of them is bound to be good in bed AND not so hard to deal with. In the meantime just enjoy the games!!
you so sexy!
Your heart will always ache…..your memory will never shed.
Gee, thanks “1123″… How very bleak.
Wow, you need to drop all that desire and just accept this guy as an awesome fuck buddy for as long as you can stand him. Or, kill him now and find one you can actually like. No great revelations here, but holy shit, that was a tough read. The disgust and loathing would drive me right away, no matter how good the sex.
jr
I too have been here. Long after I discovered that the situation was not only painful to me but also going absolutely no where I decided to end it. It no longer mattered to me how good the sex was, or how just the smell of his skin could make me almost dizzy with lust. It no longer mattered what I felt for him because the simple truth was, the longer I kept playing the game by his rules (ie; no dating but he was allowed his jealousy, great sex and weekends together but I was informed that he didn’t actually want me) the harder it would be for me to get back to my power base…the self esteem I had abandoned for the sake of good (no, make that great) sex. He’s long gone, I’ve moved on and am now feeling much better about myself than I have in ages. It was hard to say good bye, and he still txts or emails me occasionally but I don’t reply. I took back my power and kicked him to the curb because it was the only thing I COULD do and keep my self respect.