The Best Sex of His Life
Stamped: November 12th, 2007 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: No Tags.
Yes, I realize this sounds like one of those douchey Cosmopolitan headlines. FYI, I hate those girl magazines. Who needs the folks at Redbook to teach us how to NOT have an orgasm again? Instead, I’m writing to commemorate an especially interesting conversation that took place over a recent night of sushi and way too much sake, a night in which our dinner party girls ganged up our dinner party guys and started asking some I’ve-drunk-way-too-much-to-censor-myself questions. Since we were all ‘just friends,’ no one felt the need to hold back. Here I’ve documented our evening’s ramblings, what I hope is an unbiased analysis of the two sexes and how they interact.
Somewhere around dessert, as I unabashedly bemoaned my romantic situation with comments like, “It’s just such a pity because if Mr. Grey just did X, Y, J and Double Z Squared, I think we’d both be so much happier,” when a male dinner party companion interrupted me with a solution:
“Why don’t you write all the things you wish he’d do on a piece of paper, give him the list, and tell him if he complies he’ll be rewarded with random, bonus blowjobs.”
Me: “That’s the kind of logic I’d use when interacting with a small child or pet.”
Him: “Exactly.”
Now I’m staring like a nitwit into my sake glass hoping I didn’t hear him correctly.
My friend continued: “Guys aren’t stupid. They just don’t think about all the things you girls think about. Guys forget stuff, easily! So keep it simple, write it down, and create a reward system. I think you’ll find he’ll be more than happy to comply.”
I smiled, realizing while this strategy may function for obedient American boys, my friend clearly had no idea what it was like to date the highly complex, spoiled, Lucifer-like love animal that is an Italian man. No way were lists going to work.
Next, the ladies at the table wanted to know how sex well…felt different with different women.
“How can a man claim Miss so-and-so is the best sex of his life? Aren’t all women just…well…holes?”
Gross, I know. And this statement received a strong negative reaction. The table erupted in chaos at which point I, a writer who’ll use any interesting social situation for my professional gain, instructed the boys to tell us the tangible specifics aside from chemistry that make a woman great in bed. Chemistry, pheromones, and the psychologically adrenaline inducing games couples play with one another can’t be properly explained. The inexplicable, enigmatic nature of these things is what constitutes lust. Setting these mysteries aside, the male half of our table came up with four tangible qualities that ‘the best sex of their lives’ invariably possessed.
1. Going at it HARD. Consensus from the men made it clear that the best sex was hard sex. They preferred girls who liked to pound and play rough rather than the romantic, soft, immobile, ‘dead starfish’ types.
2. Getting on all fours. According to those who possessed a penis around our West Village dinner table, men get off on doing it doggie-style. They claimed this has been man’s favorite position since the Stone Age and that any man who denied their intense fetish-like desire for women on all fours were point-blank liars. Translation: the girls who qualified as ‘the best sex’ liked to time travel to the Stone Age as well.
3. Doing it in public places. This one went a little over my head, but I think the underlying point was that men crave an adventurous partner. The guys claimed that while women may initially have inhibitions and be resistant to the idea of getting spread eagle in an H&M changing stall or bar bathroom, they grow to love it. One friend recounted a story of an ex-girlfriend who was initially terrified of the public fuck and after giving in became addicted to the insane adrenaline rush. What I took away from these comments: Be active, get creative, suggest raunchy things – it definitely won’t hurt.
4. Having an orgasm. Easier said than done. For all the boys at the table, ‘the best sex of their lives’ included a partner they could make come vaginally. “If the girl can only come clitorally, it gets complicated,” one man said. “Guys get off on knowing they made their woman come. Having her come vaginally is a massive ego boost.”
So there you have it, straight from some dudes’ sake filled mouths. Men: please feel free to correct or add onto to your drunk peers’ insights. Women: I’d take all of this with a grain of salt.
Last 5 posts by Model Behavior
- Wild Abandon - April 21st, 2008
- Go Crazy on Condoms - April 3rd, 2008
- Exit My Life, Please - March 31st, 2008
- Shut Up and Be Feminine - March 11th, 2008
- I Hate Cupid - February 12th, 2008
Pingback by Modeling » The Best Sex of His Life
— 12 November 2007 @ 12:55 am
Pingback by Pet » The Best Sex of His Life
— 12 November 2007 @ 2:07 am
Pingback by Couples » The Best Sex of His Life
— 12 November 2007 @ 2:11 am
Pingback by http://girlspoke.com/2007/11/12/the-best-sex-of-his-life/
— 3 April 2008 @ 8:53 am
Comments
I can’s speak with authority for all men everywhere, but for me and the men I have talked to, the statement “Why don’t you write all the things you wish he’d do on a piece of paper, give him the list, and tell him if he complies he’ll be rewarded with random, bonus blowjobs.” is so obvious that it’s hardly worth saying. As long as you DO it; nothing screws up an incentive reward program than when the woman reneges on the rewards.
Women of the World, please pay attention! I’m going to cite Jeff Foxworthy and say that we men aren’t all that smart; we need you to TELL us what you want. Don’t leave hints; we’re not that smart. Tell us what you want, and we’ll kill ourselves tryint, but you must ALSO tell us when you change your minds, so that we’re not still on two pages ago in the “How to Please Me” manual.
girlspoke, come back!!
jr
I feel it’s my duty to issue a warning to all readers: This story is a sham!
Not that it’s not entertaining, it is! Not that it’s not very well written and certainly Model Behavior warned us in the last sentence. But asking someone to describe what makes them melt into a moaning puddle of ecstacy is an invitation to bear false witness. People do answer the question, out of a sense of sheer helpfulness and some grand moral imperative to help better relations between the sexes from here forward. But two different people could both follow the “get me off recipe”, written or offered in the oral tradition, with two vastly different results.
The truth is we don’t know the answer. If it were that formulaic the last Cosmopolitan magazine would have been sold decades ago. It’s all buried somewhere in: What you last did to piss me off, how the dinner conversation went, wow I haven’t had sex in two weeks and Oh your breast caught the light in that certain way. It’s maddeningly elusive. It’s why we don’t know what we want and why we don’t want what we wanted last week.
But I got a kick out of the article!
Actually, the best sex for me is very soft, though quite active, with my partner in control. Something about being on the bottom that’s nice…
Only one man’s comments… but hey…
1. Going at it HARD. Yes. Soft and gentle is fine too, but a woman who fucks back like there’s no tomorrow is a huge turn-on. When you’re clasping hands above her (or his) head and looking straight into the lust-filled eyes of your lover, it does great things for the soul.
2. Getting on all fours. Yes, too. More control over the movements, deeper penetration, and greater trust on her behalf - she told me she wouldn’t let her husband fuck her that way but she would let me - oops, that just slipped out…
3. Doing it in public places. Sorta. No, not in the middle of the mall. It just wouldn’t work. But in the woods, in the fleids, in the car by the side of the road, all these work.
4. Having an orgasm. “Guys get off on knowing they made their woman come.” Of course! We’re not just in it for self gratification, you know. Making (helping) her to come is a big thing. Making her come from nipple stimulation, clit stimulation, g-spot massage, and good ol’ penetration. Making her squirt is a bonus, boys.
And one of my own…
5. Her sex toy. Thisis when she ties me to the bed, slips into her best lingerie, and takes ruthless advantage of me. (If I’m really lucky, she’ll invite the girl next door, too…)