Shut Up and Be Feminine
Stamped: March 11th, 2008 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: bullshit advice, flirting, relationships, unsolicited advice, vacation.
Late on a weekday night, I found myself at my friend’s elegant New York apartment enjoying a cup of herbal tea after an utterly uninteresting night out. We’ll call my friend Rio because his background includes a decade long stay in Brazil, as well residence in several other South American countries. As we sunk into the sofa listening to Portuguese love songs we got to discussing (surprise surprise) the enigma that is male-female relationships.
“Describe sexy,” he prompted me.
I went on to pause, gather my thoughts and illustrate sexy as:
“Confident, independent, and strong.”
“Interesting,” he replied. “Because I’d describe sexy as vulnerable, dependant and warm.”
Thus ensued a conversation in which we dissected our theories about the difference between Italo-Latin and American love.
In a nutshell, Rio made the point that Brazilian woman are experts at being feminine – they’re used to relying on men. They constantly ask men to do things for them with the charm of a child and males relish in attending to their every need since it makes men feel ‘like the shit.’ Interesting, right? Because as girls growing up in America the mantra is that we can do everything ourselves, should strive for utter independence, and never rely on men for anything. Ever. To which Rio responded:
“You’re never going to keep a man like that. Okay, you’re never going to keep a Latin man like that. Men stick with the woman who makes him feel like he’s ‘the man.’ He wants you to ask him to do things for you.”
“Wouldn't I be bothering him?”
“Are you kidding? If he loves you and can fulfill your needs that’ll be the high point of his day. That’s the feeling he’s going to crave and come back for: Validation of his worth.”
Me: “I guess that does explain why so many guys I like end up with stupid, silent, needy lapdog girlfriends.”
Rio: “Those girls aren’t as stupid as they look. They’ve learned to use their feminine vulnerability to keep men. Again, if I want someone independent who didn’t need me I could hang out with my co-workers. That isn’t what male-female relationships are about.”
“But don’t you want a best friend? An equal?”
“Best friend, yes. An equal…”
“OMG this so wrong.”
“No, no, no. You’re misunderstanding. Yes, an equal. But American women often seem so busy proving their independence that they miss out on the whole tango of love that’s about how men and women fundamentally need each other.”
“You just said ‘tango,’ didn’t you?”
“Why would I be interested in a woman who doesn’t need me?”
“I thought men liked the unattainable. That they like to chase things.”
“True. But once he’s got you, he doesn’t want to hear about other guys and how ‘independent’ of a superwoman you are.”
“So basically I gotta get vulnerable, when my life mission since puberty has been to never appear vulnerable.”
“Yeah. And get feminine.”
I gesture to my outfit, “I am feminine!”
“You look feminine. But you don’t act it. You’re so guarded.”
“Because men are assholes!”
“You came in here and just made yourself your own tea. You never even asked me if I wanted some.”
“You were in the other room. And since when do non-British guys like tea?”
“Being feminine means focusing on the five senses. Scent, smell, touch. Slow down! Enjoy life. Be caring like a mother, innocent and playful like a little girl.”
“Gross." I stop to think, "I have no idea how to do that.”
“Americans get divorced cause they got it all wrong. Women are meant to be feminine. Embrace it. Use it in your work life too. You’ll get ahead and manipulate men even better. Doesn’t mean you aren’t smart.”
“Does this femininity project mean I can’t talk and make jokes? I mean, that’s a big part of my personality. I verbally run a mile a second.”
“Of course, be yourself. Although at least at the beginning, with women, less is more.”
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”
“You act the way you do right now and go to where you’re going on Brasil, not one guy is going to talk to you.”
“That would be tragic.”
“Cater. Ask him to do things for you. Play along. If he loves you, he’ll feel great accomplishing your tasks. He doesn’t pull through, means he’s not into you. Men will slay lions for the woman they love. They won’t make dinner reservations, but they’ll slay lions.”
“Okay. Let’s try: Rio, will you drive me to JFK when I leave next Monday?”
Rio: “Absolutely fucking not.”
Off my twisted face –
“The asking to do stuff doesn’t include airport transfers.”
Me: “Huh. Good to know.”
Yet another theory to stuff in my carry on.
Those who want to learn more should be directed to the simultaniously ingenious and ridiculous concept of wikiHow which actually has an article about how to be feminine. I'd be lying if I said I didn't skim it.
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Hmm he came across a bit chauvinistic in my opinion, and that’s coming from a guy. Personally I’ll take a smart, confident, fun woman over a needy weepfest annnnny day of the week. It’s not about women needing to be a certain way or men a certain way, it’s about matching the other person in a way that fills what they aren’t. You could be a very independent woman and be happy with a needy guy and vice versa. I don’t feel that it’s about being ‘feminine’ or not (besides which, who defines what feminine is anyhow?). The whole bit about women who are those lapdog girls ‘being smarter than you think’ is a bit bunk as well. Some might be, but most are emotionally damaged and more than I’d ever want to deal with. And finally…you could have easily ended the conversation when he said divorces in the US were so high because we ‘are doing it wrong’ by retorting, ‘perhaps, but latin american husbands are mostly catholic and can’t get divorced as well as beating the wife is ignored.’ the same problems we have, they have. It’s just not discussed anywhere near as openly.
Hah, that’s awesome. Thanks for sharing that with us.
I might believe there is some tiny nugget of truth somewhere in what he’s saying. Still, you don’t have to accept all the other crap that came with it.
Have the cake and eat it, too.
I agree with you, insofar as I’m looking for a woman who’s strong, independent, and confident. But I also enjoy the thing your friend describes where it makes me feel good to do something for the woman I’m with. Call me crazy. Two people doing nice things for each other because they like to is what I consider a good relationship. But it must be equal. I don’t need a whiny, clingy, needy, dependent bitch. Because then what is she doing for me?! I want her to do sweet things for me now and then, too. I bring her flowers? Well, guess what? Sometimes I’d like flowers of my own. I need to cry on someone’s shoulder when I can’t take my job for one more day, and I imagine she probably needs to do the same now and then.
Being strong, confident, and independent doesn’t mean being cold or robotic. It means taking care of yourself and others when you can, but recognizing that now and then it’s important to allow others to do the same for you.
Then again, since I’m totally gay, I guess I don’t have the hang ups over what role I’m “supposed” to play. I just do what’s right by treating my partner the way I want to be treated.
Very interesting! Your friend said some things that made me go ‘hmmmm’.
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Use it in your work life too. You’ll get ahead and manipulate men even better. Doesn’t mean you aren’t smart.
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Fuck that! It doesn’t work that way in America!
I am feminine….I guess there’s nothing wrong with having your own definition of what that means.
Again, very interesting!