Stamped: March 31st, 2008 | Toggle Similar
Tagged: friends and losers, grey relationships, heartbreak.

Getting in touch with my inner crazy, I recently forever spurned Mr Grey, for real this time. Remember? The shmuck that inspired to write high literature such as The Grey Relationship, My Dating Ego, Please Don’t Be Nice, and Grey Grey Grey. Yeah, see theoretically that ended a long time ago. That was, in essence, a lie, since we continued to see each other ‘as friends,’ which come to find out (shocker!) doesn’t work at all.

At least it didn’t work for me. My current theory is that there’s no way to be friends with someone you used to like in a ‘Model Behavior way’ unless you’ve moved on to the extent that you’re so sickeningly happy with someone else that the Ex couldn’t penetrate your aura of calm with a industrial strength machete. Needlessly to say, I’m a long road away from being a female relationship Buddha. In fact right now, I’m more likely to be wielding a machete myself. I’d come home from ‘friendly’ nights out with the former object of my affection and realize I was:

1. Alone
2. Angry
3. Miserably unhappy.

Not while we were out. No, in chaos of going out there was still the mirage of hope that this story might finish somewhere over the rainbow. It’s rather the moment I entered my humble residence after another failed fantasy sequence (and a ginormous waste of time) that I’d get irrevocably sad. Seeing him was essentially a fail proof way to make me more and more like someone who needs a straightjacket. Because even if during the day I could recognize that I didn’t even want him, the minute you dimmed the lights, gave us some wine, and turned on Ministry of Sound, I’d get overcome with (as lame as it sounds) nostalgia. Nostalgia for what exactly is unclear since we were never technically happy in the first place.

Plan A in coping with this problem was to pull a disappearing act. Never again take his calls, emails, texts, block his number (if only the tech freaks who created the iPhone took the time to include this break up feature) etc. I figured I’d be a master at this since men do it to me all the time. Unfortunately, I’m too soft hearted and found it eventually impossible not to respond to him. So after coming home ready to star in one of those ‘where does your depression hurt’ commercials for the ten zillionth time, I knew a drastic course of action had to be taken. I couldn’t resist his ‘friendly’ advances (which ultimately made me suicidal) so my only choice was to cut off this masochistic game at the source.

So after splitting a cab home and saying goodnight in the happiest of spirits, I sent what I like to call the ‘Death Text’ (which is sort of like the emotional equivalent of the evil Death Star in Star Wars). It’s an inevitably melodramatic and over-the-top text message that says something like, “I’m begging you please, never contact me again, EVER!” Because here’s my new analogy, guys:

Women are like a house. Get a realtor, look around, but if you don’t want to buy and move in, GET OUT. It’s not fair to live in the house when ‘you’re in town’ or when ‘you feel like it’ or to rent out a room when ‘it’s convenient to you’ if the girl has serious feelings for you. If you don’t want to invest and start a mortgage, get the Hell away and let the poor house go back on the market. Because if you’re a part time tenant the piece of real estate has zero hope of finding a true owner. And that’s just cruel, whether you do it under the guise of ‘friendship’ or ‘business partners’ or ‘hook up buddies’ is irrelevant. Be the bigger person and find a house you actually want to move into. Or just wander the streets a homeless player with no place warm to sleep at night.

Now I’m not only equating my gender to property, it seems I’ve come full circle and am asking guys to do the disappearing act (the exact thing I dreaded in college). Further proof that women are irrational and crazy.

My new motto: “I’m crazy and I like it.”

Last 5 posts by Model Behavior

• Wild Abandon - April 21st, 2008
• Go Crazy on Condoms - April 3rd, 2008
• Shut Up and Be Feminine - March 11th, 2008
• I Hate Cupid - February 12th, 2008
• Girl Power – Renewed, Revitalized and Going Digital - February 8th, 2008